Are you SURE it's illegal to kill??

So, I have to rant. I had just about the greatest day ever. Until the statement was said, and I let it ruin the rest of my night. MY night. It should have been a GREAT night.. But no. Freaking bitch ruined it AGAIN for me. OMG.. I let her get to me TOO much. Okay.. I'm okay. Not really though. I want to rip her tonsils out and replace her eyeballs with them. I want to scalp her and use the hair as a net for her to sit on and she could NEVER get up. She would not only BE an pain in the ass, she would HAVE one.. An eternal one.. OMG.. I'm too worked up.

So. I know there is no reason to be SO irritated. I'm jealous, but that's not it completely. I really wish I could put my finger on it, cause I only have a little bit of time to get rid of this feeling or life will be HELL for me. Lemme just say, Thank GOODNESS for the gexy boy. ;)

I don't want to hear about her playing racquetball. But it did help to take out my aggression on the ball. I couldn't hit the ball hard enough though. That was OUR thing.. UGH! *I* want to be there. *I* want to be the one who plays games until 1 in the morning. She doesn't even freaking PLAY games. Not the right kind. I swear that if SHE EVEN ruins if for the Bears. OMG. So, do I go out on a limb like my tarot reading says to do? Or do I sit back and wait? I'm SO done waiting. I can't sit here anymore. I'm DONE. It's either Yes, or No. BUT NOT WAIT AND WE'LL SEE.. HELL NO!! I have to move on. I need a break. A BIG BREAK! Away from the phone calls, away from the good news, and the bad news. Away from the voice, the name, the picture. Away from the caring. I have to be done. I have to force myself like he did. She's like Jasper. I don't want him to turn into my her. UGH.. K.. I know.. And I'm done. I hope this doesn't make any sense. I want to be vague, but specific enough for me. I just want to curl up into a ball and weep for hours. I don't want to keep moving. I want to pause and let it out, and when it's done, it's DONE. But when do I do that? He said it best when he said, "what's so great about him that you're crying and he's sleeping like a baby?" Except this time, I have an answer. I just REALLY wish I didn't. I could be done and moving on. The problem is that I'm not actually LOOKING for anyone. Only cause they're there, do I crave them. Not cause I was looking. Obviously. I don't need. I want. That's a dangerous thing. Wanting is BAD.

I shall CRUSH you!!

I'm slowing down with the blogging. It's pretty overwhelming to write all the stuff that I think. So I'll just rant a bit. Maybe it's the opposite of a rant. Not too sure yet.. we'll see how it turns out.

So, anyone who knows me well, knows that I crush. To be exact, I think people are cute, and love spending time with them, and when they're male, we call that a crush (we being my friends and I). So, yes. I have a few crushes. HOWEVER. Some of them are actual crushes. Only 2 of them though. I would like to just list the things that I love about these two people. I'll do it seperately, since I don't like them for the same reasons. Take this how you will.. I just feel like doing it, and afterall, this is MY blog. Ahem.

Victim #1 (cause they are victims really.. of my giddiness)

-Gexy (thanks for the word, Leif)

-Smart

-Kind

-Supportive

-Fun

-Talented

-Flirtatious

-Kinda a little bit bad (not REALLY, but has that edge sometimes..)

-DEEP AS HELL VOICE

-Great smile

-There's more, but I don't want to get SO specific..

Victim #2

-Funny as HELL

-SUPER good looking

-Tall

-Speaks Melody

-Outdoorsy

-Similar interests

-Responsible

-Caring

-Loves Brielle

-Attentive

-Honest to a fault

So, just cause I wrote it about one person, doesn't mean I don't think it about the other, but they are the things that stand out MOST fo me about either person. They are two COMPLETEY different people, but it astounds me how caring and just.. good.. they are. It's very refreshing to meet honest, supportive, giving, non judgemental friends. Love it. So yeah.. I'm feeling very greatful to them lately, so I wanted to write about it. If you know them, DON'T embarrass me about this. It's MY blog, damn it. lol..

If you ARE one of those people, thanks. You freaking ROCK!

Miss me?

As I realize it's been quite some time since my last blog, I've decided to fill everyone in. Obviously, not much has happened lately (although, NOT having the internet in my room has certainly put a damper on my ability to write even if something HAD happened). So I guess the most prominent thing in my life right now is my Grandpa being EXCEEDINGLY sick and living with us for a few weeks. He has been allowed to smoke in the office (where the internet is) which is right next to Brielle's room. So, needless to say, Briezy hasn't been staying the night lately. I miss her a lot. She's potty training/trained. She still has a few accidents, but we pretty much just switched her out of diapers overnight and she's adjusted wonderfully. I've been going to the gym a lot lately (FINALLY). I'm taking a hip hop class, followed by a salsa class. Both are fun, but the hip hop class is phenomenal. I also tried my hand at racquetball this week. I loved it. A TOTAL adjustment from tennis, but I'll practice and get better. I LOVE being a Passion Consultant and I even have my first recruit already! YAY! So.. I guess that's about it. Still plugging along at regular life stuff, trying to keep the drama out. So far so good! I really like the people I've put myself around and decided that being picky has definitely paid off.Hmm.. So I guess I'll leave you with a recommendation. Go see Arthur and the Invisibles. SUPER cute! Bueno.. Love ya!

New Years Resolution/Revelation

Okay, I've always thought resolutions were completely overdone and old. This year I don't have a resolution so much as a revelation. I guess it really started on New Year's Eve. I had SO much fun! The best I can remember since I was 14! I got a hotel room at the Hilton (with an INCREDIBLE view of Anchorage), played video games, wrestled, watched cartoons, and went on a horse-drawn carriage ride. It would have been very romantic, but that wasn't the point. It was SUPER relaxing and completey stress free (which WAS the point).

My revelation is that I need to be open and straight forward about things. I'm tired of worrying that my self conscious tendencies are keeping things/people from happening to me or for me. There is no reason why I should be worried about myself. I have no one to impress/worry about except myself and my daughter. I'm going to take care of myself no matter what FIRST, and be myself. If that means turning people off/away, they aren't people I want to be around anyways. This was my whole contention with Jeff to begin with. SO! I'm saying what needs to be said, when and HOW it needs to be said to my satisfaction, and let whatever may come, come!

SO. In accordance with this revelation, I'm training for a marathon with a few friends and my dad, taking a salsa class, and learning to cook. I'm going to book as many Passion Parties as possible and start saving for a trip this summer. Life is short, and I'm young!! PARTY ON WAYNE!!