It's official. I'm a geek!

Here it is.. The official list. Please submit corrections/additions promptly! Thank you.

-Over 10 full sized Spider-Man posters in bedroom
-WOW/NWN/Dungeon Runners all loaded and used often on personal comp.
-Ren Fair participant
-love of anime
-love of cartoons in general (although decidedly more on the dork side of things)
-birthday party at Gamerz
-knowing what chaotic good/chaotic evil/chaotic neutral all mean
-playing office when I was a child
-being able to type more than 60 wpm
-knowing what firefox, linux, and gaim are
-prefering men who are "gexy"
-Using the urban dictionary, wikipedia, and an online thesauraus
-having a gmail account
-being a member of tribe (sorry guys.. it's true)
-belonging to the Mystery Guild
-Playing a string instrument
-knowing the difference between "techno" and "electronica", but preferring "trip hop" to both.
-wearing glasses
-paying for the most expensive internet connection available, but not willing to pay for quality make-up
-planning halo parties with my friends
-preferring first person shooters with friends to just about any other activity
-knowing the difference between a first person shooter, a DOTA, and a MMORPG
-wearing pig tails
-being able to read and speak 733+ (thanks Frank)
-Caring about whether a ninja is better than a pirate
-getting "uber" excited about helping with a podcast
-knowing why "all your base are belong to us" is funny.
-writing this list in an upkept blog

What else am I missing? I know there's plenty of stuff.. Help me out people!! Loves!

WHAT THE F$%&?!?!?!?

I don't even know where to start or what to say. I'm not in a good place. I'm restless and frustrated. I want to scream non stop. I feel like I imagine Peter Parker feels. Trying to do everything you can for those that you love, and no matter what you do or how hard you try, everything back fires and the pain floods like a waterfall over a mountain side.

So.. I'm done. NO MORE! I REFUSE to play this game any longer. I hoped beyond hope that it was a matter of time, but the more time goes by, the more I realize that I was wrong. I can't believe I did it again. I used to be able to handle it.. but I can't. I need to break away. I need to take out all of my aggression and let wounds heal before I can be supportive again. I feel like a horrible friend. It breaks my heart, but this pain is more tolerable than the one that I WILL go thru.. and soon.

Unfortunately.

To be, or NOT to be!

I realize that in my last blog, I was VERY upset. The problem was I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried, figure out WHY. What was at the very core of the anger. In discussing it with a friend, we went thru the list. I decided that my problem wasn't jealousy, but rather a feeling of being unsettled. What am I missing? What do I lack? What is it that makes her more than me? Going thru the checklist of things that might possibly be comparable, I realized that the ONLY thing she has that I don't, is confidence. NOT independence. So. What is it that makes people confident? Is it possible to PRETEND to be confident until you're proven right? I think so. I've asked a few people, and they've all said the same thing. Even if someone weren't all that attractive physically, if they were confident, it could make them attractive. If someone were GORGEOUS, and lacked confidence, it could make them not attractive. My saying that I lack confidence, doesn't mean that I don't have any. It just means that I don't show it as often as I could/should.

Now that I know that I need confidence, I need to figure out how to put it into actions. I remember a time in my life when I was totally confident. I remember what I was thinking and how I acted. That is what I think needs to happen. There is a thin line between confident and conceited. Something which I LOATHE. It may be a bumpy, awkward ride, but I'm on my way. From not caring whether someone is watching me dance in my car, to taking what I want like I had a right to it. ;)