OMG WHATEVER!!!

Welp.. It's been a while. I've got my public blog up and running, and I haven't needed to vent for a while. Things seem to be going well. Well.. ALMOST everything seems to be going well..

TaDa!! Time for a new entry!!

So.. First things first. Jeff is leaving for Cleveland (supposedly) on Thursday for four months. If it actually happens, it'll be a miracle. I can't imagine him actually doing something responsible and logical and sticking with it. He's all about quitting/getting fired. His cousins are supposed to be there, but that could only go so far. Anyways. I'm so excited to not get a million texts a day, to not have to pay child support to him for doing NOTHING, and to not have to correct things that he screws up for/with Brielle. It's about time. Unfortunately, Jeff is now saying that he's gonna follow me everywhere I move for the rest of my life.. to stay close to Brielle. UGH! I KNOW he gets off on making my life a living hell. Thank goodness I'm not gonna let him do it.

SECONDLY...(and not having to do with Jeffaroo)

So.. I'm pretty irritated right now. I really have no reason to be. Well.. I take that back. I kinda do. Everyone has their issues. Their prejudices. I happen to be one of them. Over the last six months (well.. my entire life really.. but..) I have been plagued by one specific race and gender combination. Russian women. OMG.. SO.. I think I've been pretty tolerant. Pretty forgiving and kept a stiff upper lip. But every once in a while I say something not very nice (usually something along the lines of "Stupid russian skanks") and yeah.. Why the hell should I be yelled at? I haven't done anything to them, but for some reason, I'm the subject of their hatred and animosity. I realize that said animosity is pretty one sided right now. However. I don't think that they should be able to trash me constantly to those around me that might be affected by such irreparable speech, and *I* am expected to just sit here and never say anything negative about them.. WHATEVER!!! STUPID WHORES! GO FUCK SOMEONE WHO ISN'T TAKEN OR DESTROY SOMEONE WHO ISN'T KIND AND GIVING!!! ERG!!!

K.. I'm done.. for now.. Sorry if I was.. No. I'm NOT sorry. I've put up with their bullshit for long enough. I'm gonna say whatever the hell I wanna say about them.. And Jake and Jeff can kiss my ass!!!

Okay Frank.. Here it is!

K.. Frank is whining at me about not updating my blog.. Here goes. I've been going to the gym and playing TONS of racquetball.. I'm not fabulous, but I'm pretty okay when I'm on. I just got done with a rapier class.. The teacher was out of this world hot, but that's over, so I'll just have to imagine his perfect form in front of me (since I'll never see him again.. sigh) I really really enjoyed it too. I could feel myself getting better and stronger as the weeks went on. Which is encouraging. Speaking of body changes, I've been toning up and losing some lbs. I'm in a pool kinda bet thing where the person who loses the highest percentage of their body weight by fair, gets the pot (which'll be like 800.00). I've got my reward all set up for my ultimate goal, and just need some more interim rewards in the meantime. Plus, rehearsals for fair are starting soon. Yee haw! This year is gonna be WEIRD! So.. other than that.. I'm all caught up. Brie is good, Oh.. and I got to do my first podcast yesterday (which was freaking HELLA fun!) Rob is so hot! Good times! Well.. Drop me a line. I'll try to keep up. Can't have Frank posting more regularly than me! hehehe.. LATE!

It's official. I'm a geek!

Here it is.. The official list. Please submit corrections/additions promptly! Thank you.

-Over 10 full sized Spider-Man posters in bedroom
-WOW/NWN/Dungeon Runners all loaded and used often on personal comp.
-Ren Fair participant
-love of anime
-love of cartoons in general (although decidedly more on the dork side of things)
-birthday party at Gamerz
-knowing what chaotic good/chaotic evil/chaotic neutral all mean
-playing office when I was a child
-being able to type more than 60 wpm
-knowing what firefox, linux, and gaim are
-prefering men who are "gexy"
-Using the urban dictionary, wikipedia, and an online thesauraus
-having a gmail account
-being a member of tribe (sorry guys.. it's true)
-belonging to the Mystery Guild
-Playing a string instrument
-knowing the difference between "techno" and "electronica", but preferring "trip hop" to both.
-wearing glasses
-paying for the most expensive internet connection available, but not willing to pay for quality make-up
-planning halo parties with my friends
-preferring first person shooters with friends to just about any other activity
-knowing the difference between a first person shooter, a DOTA, and a MMORPG
-wearing pig tails
-being able to read and speak 733+ (thanks Frank)
-Caring about whether a ninja is better than a pirate
-getting "uber" excited about helping with a podcast
-knowing why "all your base are belong to us" is funny.
-writing this list in an upkept blog

What else am I missing? I know there's plenty of stuff.. Help me out people!! Loves!

WHAT THE F$%&?!?!?!?

I don't even know where to start or what to say. I'm not in a good place. I'm restless and frustrated. I want to scream non stop. I feel like I imagine Peter Parker feels. Trying to do everything you can for those that you love, and no matter what you do or how hard you try, everything back fires and the pain floods like a waterfall over a mountain side.

So.. I'm done. NO MORE! I REFUSE to play this game any longer. I hoped beyond hope that it was a matter of time, but the more time goes by, the more I realize that I was wrong. I can't believe I did it again. I used to be able to handle it.. but I can't. I need to break away. I need to take out all of my aggression and let wounds heal before I can be supportive again. I feel like a horrible friend. It breaks my heart, but this pain is more tolerable than the one that I WILL go thru.. and soon.

Unfortunately.

To be, or NOT to be!

I realize that in my last blog, I was VERY upset. The problem was I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried, figure out WHY. What was at the very core of the anger. In discussing it with a friend, we went thru the list. I decided that my problem wasn't jealousy, but rather a feeling of being unsettled. What am I missing? What do I lack? What is it that makes her more than me? Going thru the checklist of things that might possibly be comparable, I realized that the ONLY thing she has that I don't, is confidence. NOT independence. So. What is it that makes people confident? Is it possible to PRETEND to be confident until you're proven right? I think so. I've asked a few people, and they've all said the same thing. Even if someone weren't all that attractive physically, if they were confident, it could make them attractive. If someone were GORGEOUS, and lacked confidence, it could make them not attractive. My saying that I lack confidence, doesn't mean that I don't have any. It just means that I don't show it as often as I could/should.

Now that I know that I need confidence, I need to figure out how to put it into actions. I remember a time in my life when I was totally confident. I remember what I was thinking and how I acted. That is what I think needs to happen. There is a thin line between confident and conceited. Something which I LOATHE. It may be a bumpy, awkward ride, but I'm on my way. From not caring whether someone is watching me dance in my car, to taking what I want like I had a right to it. ;)

Are you SURE it's illegal to kill??

So, I have to rant. I had just about the greatest day ever. Until the statement was said, and I let it ruin the rest of my night. MY night. It should have been a GREAT night.. But no. Freaking bitch ruined it AGAIN for me. OMG.. I let her get to me TOO much. Okay.. I'm okay. Not really though. I want to rip her tonsils out and replace her eyeballs with them. I want to scalp her and use the hair as a net for her to sit on and she could NEVER get up. She would not only BE an pain in the ass, she would HAVE one.. An eternal one.. OMG.. I'm too worked up.

So. I know there is no reason to be SO irritated. I'm jealous, but that's not it completely. I really wish I could put my finger on it, cause I only have a little bit of time to get rid of this feeling or life will be HELL for me. Lemme just say, Thank GOODNESS for the gexy boy. ;)

I don't want to hear about her playing racquetball. But it did help to take out my aggression on the ball. I couldn't hit the ball hard enough though. That was OUR thing.. UGH! *I* want to be there. *I* want to be the one who plays games until 1 in the morning. She doesn't even freaking PLAY games. Not the right kind. I swear that if SHE EVEN ruins if for the Bears. OMG. So, do I go out on a limb like my tarot reading says to do? Or do I sit back and wait? I'm SO done waiting. I can't sit here anymore. I'm DONE. It's either Yes, or No. BUT NOT WAIT AND WE'LL SEE.. HELL NO!! I have to move on. I need a break. A BIG BREAK! Away from the phone calls, away from the good news, and the bad news. Away from the voice, the name, the picture. Away from the caring. I have to be done. I have to force myself like he did. She's like Jasper. I don't want him to turn into my her. UGH.. K.. I know.. And I'm done. I hope this doesn't make any sense. I want to be vague, but specific enough for me. I just want to curl up into a ball and weep for hours. I don't want to keep moving. I want to pause and let it out, and when it's done, it's DONE. But when do I do that? He said it best when he said, "what's so great about him that you're crying and he's sleeping like a baby?" Except this time, I have an answer. I just REALLY wish I didn't. I could be done and moving on. The problem is that I'm not actually LOOKING for anyone. Only cause they're there, do I crave them. Not cause I was looking. Obviously. I don't need. I want. That's a dangerous thing. Wanting is BAD.

I shall CRUSH you!!

I'm slowing down with the blogging. It's pretty overwhelming to write all the stuff that I think. So I'll just rant a bit. Maybe it's the opposite of a rant. Not too sure yet.. we'll see how it turns out.

So, anyone who knows me well, knows that I crush. To be exact, I think people are cute, and love spending time with them, and when they're male, we call that a crush (we being my friends and I). So, yes. I have a few crushes. HOWEVER. Some of them are actual crushes. Only 2 of them though. I would like to just list the things that I love about these two people. I'll do it seperately, since I don't like them for the same reasons. Take this how you will.. I just feel like doing it, and afterall, this is MY blog. Ahem.

Victim #1 (cause they are victims really.. of my giddiness)

-Gexy (thanks for the word, Leif)

-Smart

-Kind

-Supportive

-Fun

-Talented

-Flirtatious

-Kinda a little bit bad (not REALLY, but has that edge sometimes..)

-DEEP AS HELL VOICE

-Great smile

-There's more, but I don't want to get SO specific..

Victim #2

-Funny as HELL

-SUPER good looking

-Tall

-Speaks Melody

-Outdoorsy

-Similar interests

-Responsible

-Caring

-Loves Brielle

-Attentive

-Honest to a fault

So, just cause I wrote it about one person, doesn't mean I don't think it about the other, but they are the things that stand out MOST fo me about either person. They are two COMPLETEY different people, but it astounds me how caring and just.. good.. they are. It's very refreshing to meet honest, supportive, giving, non judgemental friends. Love it. So yeah.. I'm feeling very greatful to them lately, so I wanted to write about it. If you know them, DON'T embarrass me about this. It's MY blog, damn it. lol..

If you ARE one of those people, thanks. You freaking ROCK!

Miss me?

As I realize it's been quite some time since my last blog, I've decided to fill everyone in. Obviously, not much has happened lately (although, NOT having the internet in my room has certainly put a damper on my ability to write even if something HAD happened). So I guess the most prominent thing in my life right now is my Grandpa being EXCEEDINGLY sick and living with us for a few weeks. He has been allowed to smoke in the office (where the internet is) which is right next to Brielle's room. So, needless to say, Briezy hasn't been staying the night lately. I miss her a lot. She's potty training/trained. She still has a few accidents, but we pretty much just switched her out of diapers overnight and she's adjusted wonderfully. I've been going to the gym a lot lately (FINALLY). I'm taking a hip hop class, followed by a salsa class. Both are fun, but the hip hop class is phenomenal. I also tried my hand at racquetball this week. I loved it. A TOTAL adjustment from tennis, but I'll practice and get better. I LOVE being a Passion Consultant and I even have my first recruit already! YAY! So.. I guess that's about it. Still plugging along at regular life stuff, trying to keep the drama out. So far so good! I really like the people I've put myself around and decided that being picky has definitely paid off.Hmm.. So I guess I'll leave you with a recommendation. Go see Arthur and the Invisibles. SUPER cute! Bueno.. Love ya!

New Years Resolution/Revelation

Okay, I've always thought resolutions were completely overdone and old. This year I don't have a resolution so much as a revelation. I guess it really started on New Year's Eve. I had SO much fun! The best I can remember since I was 14! I got a hotel room at the Hilton (with an INCREDIBLE view of Anchorage), played video games, wrestled, watched cartoons, and went on a horse-drawn carriage ride. It would have been very romantic, but that wasn't the point. It was SUPER relaxing and completey stress free (which WAS the point).

My revelation is that I need to be open and straight forward about things. I'm tired of worrying that my self conscious tendencies are keeping things/people from happening to me or for me. There is no reason why I should be worried about myself. I have no one to impress/worry about except myself and my daughter. I'm going to take care of myself no matter what FIRST, and be myself. If that means turning people off/away, they aren't people I want to be around anyways. This was my whole contention with Jeff to begin with. SO! I'm saying what needs to be said, when and HOW it needs to be said to my satisfaction, and let whatever may come, come!

SO. In accordance with this revelation, I'm training for a marathon with a few friends and my dad, taking a salsa class, and learning to cook. I'm going to book as many Passion Parties as possible and start saving for a trip this summer. Life is short, and I'm young!! PARTY ON WAYNE!!