It's official. I'm a geek!

Here it is.. The official list. Please submit corrections/additions promptly! Thank you.

-Over 10 full sized Spider-Man posters in bedroom
-WOW/NWN/Dungeon Runners all loaded and used often on personal comp.
-Ren Fair participant
-love of anime
-love of cartoons in general (although decidedly more on the dork side of things)
-birthday party at Gamerz
-knowing what chaotic good/chaotic evil/chaotic neutral all mean
-playing office when I was a child
-being able to type more than 60 wpm
-knowing what firefox, linux, and gaim are
-prefering men who are "gexy"
-Using the urban dictionary, wikipedia, and an online thesauraus
-having a gmail account
-being a member of tribe (sorry guys.. it's true)
-belonging to the Mystery Guild
-Playing a string instrument
-knowing the difference between "techno" and "electronica", but preferring "trip hop" to both.
-wearing glasses
-paying for the most expensive internet connection available, but not willing to pay for quality make-up
-planning halo parties with my friends
-preferring first person shooters with friends to just about any other activity
-knowing the difference between a first person shooter, a DOTA, and a MMORPG
-wearing pig tails
-being able to read and speak 733+ (thanks Frank)
-Caring about whether a ninja is better than a pirate
-getting "uber" excited about helping with a podcast
-knowing why "all your base are belong to us" is funny.
-writing this list in an upkept blog

What else am I missing? I know there's plenty of stuff.. Help me out people!! Loves!

WHAT THE F$%&?!?!?!?

I don't even know where to start or what to say. I'm not in a good place. I'm restless and frustrated. I want to scream non stop. I feel like I imagine Peter Parker feels. Trying to do everything you can for those that you love, and no matter what you do or how hard you try, everything back fires and the pain floods like a waterfall over a mountain side.

So.. I'm done. NO MORE! I REFUSE to play this game any longer. I hoped beyond hope that it was a matter of time, but the more time goes by, the more I realize that I was wrong. I can't believe I did it again. I used to be able to handle it.. but I can't. I need to break away. I need to take out all of my aggression and let wounds heal before I can be supportive again. I feel like a horrible friend. It breaks my heart, but this pain is more tolerable than the one that I WILL go thru.. and soon.

Unfortunately.

To be, or NOT to be!

I realize that in my last blog, I was VERY upset. The problem was I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried, figure out WHY. What was at the very core of the anger. In discussing it with a friend, we went thru the list. I decided that my problem wasn't jealousy, but rather a feeling of being unsettled. What am I missing? What do I lack? What is it that makes her more than me? Going thru the checklist of things that might possibly be comparable, I realized that the ONLY thing she has that I don't, is confidence. NOT independence. So. What is it that makes people confident? Is it possible to PRETEND to be confident until you're proven right? I think so. I've asked a few people, and they've all said the same thing. Even if someone weren't all that attractive physically, if they were confident, it could make them attractive. If someone were GORGEOUS, and lacked confidence, it could make them not attractive. My saying that I lack confidence, doesn't mean that I don't have any. It just means that I don't show it as often as I could/should.

Now that I know that I need confidence, I need to figure out how to put it into actions. I remember a time in my life when I was totally confident. I remember what I was thinking and how I acted. That is what I think needs to happen. There is a thin line between confident and conceited. Something which I LOATHE. It may be a bumpy, awkward ride, but I'm on my way. From not caring whether someone is watching me dance in my car, to taking what I want like I had a right to it. ;)

Are you SURE it's illegal to kill??

So, I have to rant. I had just about the greatest day ever. Until the statement was said, and I let it ruin the rest of my night. MY night. It should have been a GREAT night.. But no. Freaking bitch ruined it AGAIN for me. OMG.. I let her get to me TOO much. Okay.. I'm okay. Not really though. I want to rip her tonsils out and replace her eyeballs with them. I want to scalp her and use the hair as a net for her to sit on and she could NEVER get up. She would not only BE an pain in the ass, she would HAVE one.. An eternal one.. OMG.. I'm too worked up.

So. I know there is no reason to be SO irritated. I'm jealous, but that's not it completely. I really wish I could put my finger on it, cause I only have a little bit of time to get rid of this feeling or life will be HELL for me. Lemme just say, Thank GOODNESS for the gexy boy. ;)

I don't want to hear about her playing racquetball. But it did help to take out my aggression on the ball. I couldn't hit the ball hard enough though. That was OUR thing.. UGH! *I* want to be there. *I* want to be the one who plays games until 1 in the morning. She doesn't even freaking PLAY games. Not the right kind. I swear that if SHE EVEN ruins if for the Bears. OMG. So, do I go out on a limb like my tarot reading says to do? Or do I sit back and wait? I'm SO done waiting. I can't sit here anymore. I'm DONE. It's either Yes, or No. BUT NOT WAIT AND WE'LL SEE.. HELL NO!! I have to move on. I need a break. A BIG BREAK! Away from the phone calls, away from the good news, and the bad news. Away from the voice, the name, the picture. Away from the caring. I have to be done. I have to force myself like he did. She's like Jasper. I don't want him to turn into my her. UGH.. K.. I know.. And I'm done. I hope this doesn't make any sense. I want to be vague, but specific enough for me. I just want to curl up into a ball and weep for hours. I don't want to keep moving. I want to pause and let it out, and when it's done, it's DONE. But when do I do that? He said it best when he said, "what's so great about him that you're crying and he's sleeping like a baby?" Except this time, I have an answer. I just REALLY wish I didn't. I could be done and moving on. The problem is that I'm not actually LOOKING for anyone. Only cause they're there, do I crave them. Not cause I was looking. Obviously. I don't need. I want. That's a dangerous thing. Wanting is BAD.

I shall CRUSH you!!

I'm slowing down with the blogging. It's pretty overwhelming to write all the stuff that I think. So I'll just rant a bit. Maybe it's the opposite of a rant. Not too sure yet.. we'll see how it turns out.

So, anyone who knows me well, knows that I crush. To be exact, I think people are cute, and love spending time with them, and when they're male, we call that a crush (we being my friends and I). So, yes. I have a few crushes. HOWEVER. Some of them are actual crushes. Only 2 of them though. I would like to just list the things that I love about these two people. I'll do it seperately, since I don't like them for the same reasons. Take this how you will.. I just feel like doing it, and afterall, this is MY blog. Ahem.

Victim #1 (cause they are victims really.. of my giddiness)

-Gexy (thanks for the word, Leif)

-Smart

-Kind

-Supportive

-Fun

-Talented

-Flirtatious

-Kinda a little bit bad (not REALLY, but has that edge sometimes..)

-DEEP AS HELL VOICE

-Great smile

-There's more, but I don't want to get SO specific..

Victim #2

-Funny as HELL

-SUPER good looking

-Tall

-Speaks Melody

-Outdoorsy

-Similar interests

-Responsible

-Caring

-Loves Brielle

-Attentive

-Honest to a fault

So, just cause I wrote it about one person, doesn't mean I don't think it about the other, but they are the things that stand out MOST fo me about either person. They are two COMPLETEY different people, but it astounds me how caring and just.. good.. they are. It's very refreshing to meet honest, supportive, giving, non judgemental friends. Love it. So yeah.. I'm feeling very greatful to them lately, so I wanted to write about it. If you know them, DON'T embarrass me about this. It's MY blog, damn it. lol..

If you ARE one of those people, thanks. You freaking ROCK!

Miss me?

As I realize it's been quite some time since my last blog, I've decided to fill everyone in. Obviously, not much has happened lately (although, NOT having the internet in my room has certainly put a damper on my ability to write even if something HAD happened). So I guess the most prominent thing in my life right now is my Grandpa being EXCEEDINGLY sick and living with us for a few weeks. He has been allowed to smoke in the office (where the internet is) which is right next to Brielle's room. So, needless to say, Briezy hasn't been staying the night lately. I miss her a lot. She's potty training/trained. She still has a few accidents, but we pretty much just switched her out of diapers overnight and she's adjusted wonderfully. I've been going to the gym a lot lately (FINALLY). I'm taking a hip hop class, followed by a salsa class. Both are fun, but the hip hop class is phenomenal. I also tried my hand at racquetball this week. I loved it. A TOTAL adjustment from tennis, but I'll practice and get better. I LOVE being a Passion Consultant and I even have my first recruit already! YAY! So.. I guess that's about it. Still plugging along at regular life stuff, trying to keep the drama out. So far so good! I really like the people I've put myself around and decided that being picky has definitely paid off.Hmm.. So I guess I'll leave you with a recommendation. Go see Arthur and the Invisibles. SUPER cute! Bueno.. Love ya!

New Years Resolution/Revelation

Okay, I've always thought resolutions were completely overdone and old. This year I don't have a resolution so much as a revelation. I guess it really started on New Year's Eve. I had SO much fun! The best I can remember since I was 14! I got a hotel room at the Hilton (with an INCREDIBLE view of Anchorage), played video games, wrestled, watched cartoons, and went on a horse-drawn carriage ride. It would have been very romantic, but that wasn't the point. It was SUPER relaxing and completey stress free (which WAS the point).

My revelation is that I need to be open and straight forward about things. I'm tired of worrying that my self conscious tendencies are keeping things/people from happening to me or for me. There is no reason why I should be worried about myself. I have no one to impress/worry about except myself and my daughter. I'm going to take care of myself no matter what FIRST, and be myself. If that means turning people off/away, they aren't people I want to be around anyways. This was my whole contention with Jeff to begin with. SO! I'm saying what needs to be said, when and HOW it needs to be said to my satisfaction, and let whatever may come, come!

SO. In accordance with this revelation, I'm training for a marathon with a few friends and my dad, taking a salsa class, and learning to cook. I'm going to book as many Passion Parties as possible and start saving for a trip this summer. Life is short, and I'm young!! PARTY ON WAYNE!!

Feet, Bad XMas's, and A New Beginning.

Don't worry.. I'll get to it all. First the feet. You know, those things which I can't seem to keep out of my mouth. I swear, the taste of sweating socks is NOT on my list of favorite things. I just can't seem to get them out. My whole life, but apparently PMS means Put Mouth around Sock. I keep (kept) saying and doing things that I didn't mean to, or that gave the wrong impression. Now I have to recover. Getting hammered and drunk texting doesn't help either. Which I will NEVER do again (you all say it and repeat the deed, but I WILL NOT!)

Christmas Eve was great. Other than that, my 4 day weekend pretty close to sucked. I'll start at the beginning. So, Saturday I went to a Christmas party. Things were great, til I caught wind of someone talking about me (and I still don't know what was said), but it made me worry nonetheless, that it would effect my friendship with someone else. Of course, that would never happen. I'm just so used to NOT being able to trust people that it's a difficult adjustment to make. So I stayed for a while, then went home and vegged. Which reminds me, Tom and I are good to go again.. And ya know, thank goodness, cause I really miss him a lot. He's a great guy (sometimes immature, but I'm certainly NOT one to talk) and a super supportive friend. Anyways. Christmas Eve I got to wrap presents, hang out with Brielle and clean. Then after her nap, Brie got a bath and into her SUPER cute outfit that Fran got her. After a quick trip for more stocking stuffers, we went home to find Jake and Fran there and the present opening ensued. I got TONS of fabulous stuff. I really loved my Cardinals jersey. And this isn't just ANY jersey. It's a World Series Chaps jersey.. Oh, but not from '06. NO! It's from 1982!! HELLZ YEAH BABY!! I'm LOVIN it! So yeah.. good times. We sang happy birthday to a super cute guy, and then we went to see the lights on Bayshore. I stayed the night with Fran, and the next day got to spend the day with her. It wasn't too bad actually. I got to be there when the family opened presents, then we went to a movie. The next day I just chilled with Brielle and then later that night went out and got more drunk than I have ever, and ever want to be again. It was the most horrible experience of my life. NEVER AGAIN! OMG..

So, since I was so "hormonal" and missing people who were too busy to spend much time with me over the last few weeks, I decided to splurge and get a hotel room for New Years. That and a horse drawn carriage ride should smooth things over, and give us time to talk ourselves back on track. I'm so excited. So yeah.. That will be the new beginning of the new year, and the new friendship. I'm pumped!

BUT! Enough about me. How was your weekend? I've been feeling kinda lonely lately, and I completely intend to fix that, so drop me a line, or gimme a call and say hi! I love you all!!

Word of the day

Synonyms of 'forlorn' (Melody)
- 21 synonyms - Roget's II: Thesaurus
•
Dejected due to the awareness of being alone: desolate, lonely, lonesome, lorn.
•
Having been given up and left alone: abandoned, bereft, derelict, deserted, desolate, forsaken, lorn.
•
Empty of people: deserted, desolate, godforsaken, lonely, lonesome, unfrequented.

SO true.

Okay. A few days ago, someone said something so simple, yet so profound. I've been thinking a lot about it, and it makes so much sense to me that it's a wonder it hasn't physically pained me to consider it as often as I have. Wow.. long sentence. SO.. I want to break it down. Hopefully I can get it out of my head by talking about it.. It's kinda getting a bit depressing actually.

"It's not called clingy. It's called needing to know that I'm wanted."

Simple right? SO.. Context aside, I think there is a huge difference between being clingy and wanting to be around the person you are, or want to be in a relationship with. If you're in a relationship, you should want to be with/around the person. Otherwise, why the hell are you in the relationship? And at that point, is it really called a relationship? I think not. Notice how people make assumptions about relationships based on how often the pair in question are seen together? Clingy is needlessly and CONSTANTLY being with the person. Here's the thing. I've been with people who are clingy. I've dumped them all. I am still an individual. I still have personal interests that my partner doesn't have to share. Talents, hobbies, traits.. Mine.. There is a difference between trying to "become one PERSON" and "become one IN PURPOSE". Working towards a common goal, fine.. Being the same person in two different bodies.. Not so much! It's also evident in jealousy. Meaning, when you are clingy, you get SUPER jealous if you aren't the one with the person. If you are just needing to be wanted, a phone call will do often. Any sort of contact is enough to keep you going. "I know he's thinking of me, cause he called me" kinda thing.

It sounds silly I'm sure, but it's liberating to have someone need to be wanted by you. Of course, the person wasn't talking about me per say, but to know that there is someone thinking of you and who wants you to be thinking of them, makes distances not so horrible. Still, nothing beats feeling his/her warmth beside you while watching a movie, playing games, reading, sleeping, etc. And not being clingy, doesn't mean you can't still miss them. And I find that all too often, I do.

All of a Sudden!

SO, not much to say lately. Until last night. NOW all of a sudden, I have all KINDS of things to rant and freak out about (we all knew it was too good to last).

So. I've written about it here before, but it's all coming together finally. I talked to my friend, Jill about how irritated I was about the whole situation (you know.. the chic that I can't stand.. we'll call her Eris for now. So, Jill knows the whole situation with Eris and Jems. She agrees. She says, though, that I need to tell him that I'm ready for a relationship, if that's what I want, cause she knows "for a fact" that he wants to be with me, but that he's waiting until I am ready. Doesn't want to rush me. So, I decide to make it PAINFULLY obvious. In talking to him about Eris, I say "The thing that irritates me as a friend is how she treated you, and still thinks she has rights with you. The thing that irritates me as 'someone who wants nothing more than to be with you' is that it makes me jealous that she can hang all over you, and I can't. She had her chance, and didn't want it. Someone of us want it, but won't ever get it." NOW.. If that isn't obvious, then guys really are all stupid and I'm gonna stop defending them all!

So that is fine, he says there isn't anything to be jealous about and that there is no way in hell he'd ever go back to her even IF she wanted to be with him. So now the real problem. I'm SO afraid that the reason we aren't together doesn't have anything to do with him not being sure about whether or not I'm ready. I'm afraid it has to do with my weight. NOW. Before you roll your eyes. Hear me out. I realize that someone that shallow isn't someone I would want to be with in the first place. Also, I know he isn't that shallow. BUT it's enough to make me freak out. I don't want to even have to calm myself down about this kinda stuff. I'm taking one day at a time and making each day count. Jamie freaking ROCKS, and she's getting a membership for the wedding.. We're gonna look like freaking superstars and I've decided to finally let my hair grow out again.

Meanwhile, my mom is irritating the hell outta me, cause she's been freaking out about things lately. Good grief. It's SUPPOSED to be a time of peace, love and joy. Now I know why people started reminding everyone of this by saying, "MERRY Christmas and HAPPY holidays". Guess they realized most of us need reminders! Either way.. Have a great Thursday in case I don't talk to you tomorrow! Love you all!!

A week already?

Man, I'm slackin'! I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted! Bueno. Things are SO good. I had two passion parties yesterday, and did very well at both of them. It's so easy and I don't feel stressed or tense while I'm doing them, a serious difference from pampered chef and byb. Don't get me wrong, they're great. But I'm SO much more at ease with this, go figure. So I'm gonna be making some extra money for bills AND I have my first recruit! YAY!!

So, I've been going to the gym for a while now. I'd been very consistent for a couple months, then slacked for a month, then the last two/three weeks I've been very consistent again. SO WHY THE HELL DID I GO UP A SIZE?? OMG.. SO frustrating. But I know I can do it. I want it SO bad. I've been going to the gym by myself, and I've decided (even during the holidays) that the only carbs I'm eating are fruits and veggies. I'll allow myself some coffee, but that's it. I have to get the under control. I have to show Jeff up, and I have to feel good about myself again. I have the personality and the face, but the shape is KILLING me! Plus, I made a deal with myself that when I hit a certain (unspoken) weight, I'll join aikido. Which sounds very cool, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately cause of all the dark streets and walking/driving alone. Plus, I love to relax and have a way to meditate. Doesn't seem like there are many other things more relaxing than that!

So, that's my beef. I added a new link to my list. It's a video by a good friend of mine (also named Rob). Check it out and lemme know what you think!! Loves!!

Yee Haw!!!

Dunno. Just felt like I deserved a yee haw! I'm feelin' good lately. I hate it when people post the words to a song that everyone already knows. I know it may reflect the mood or exactly what you're feeling in a way better than you can, but still. I'll just put it in if I wanna hear it. However. As I have nothing else to say really. Other than, "Well done!" (only a few of you will get that, but it's HILARIOUS, trust me!) There is a song that isn't actually very mainstream, that explains my mood, in a few different ways, very well. Here goes!

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze drifting on by
You know how I feel
It's a new a dawn
And a new day
And a new life for me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossoms on the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new a dawn
And a new day
And a new life for me
And I'm feeling good

Dragon fly out in the sun
You know what I mean
Don't you know?
Butterflies all having fun
You know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world
Is a new world
And a bold world
For me
And I'm feelin' good

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of pine
You know how I feel
Oh Freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
And a new day
And a new love for me
And I'm feeling good

Get comfy. This one is kinda long.

Isn't it strange how one phone call can change your whole outlook? Isn't it weird how the tone of someone's voice can make you either melt or ache? I suppose it's probably just me. Words don't necessarily matter during these phone calls. It's the feeling. It's the background and the assumptions (which I admittedly make a LOT of). An interesting website that I've found has reminded me that jumping to conclusions is usually a bad thing. I've seen the difference in my work history that NOT reacting has made. Riding it out has always benefited me greatly. I underestimate my ability to overcome adversity quite a bit. Reminding me that this is true in my personal life is no small feat. So, rather than get emotional or start questioning things, I rode the wave. Waited to see where it would take me, and wouldn't ya know.. It took me right where I was before. Nothing changed, just an ill perceived phone call. I'm so glad my friends are patient and love me so much, cause I am such a heel.

In other news! Thunderchops is back in town with his LOVERLY wife (who FREAKING ROCKS!). I'm SO excited. It was great to see them last night/this morning and I'm super excited to be able to hang out. Oh, and Steve, you WILL be experiencing Fantasies. You're being dragged! ;)

In other OTHER news.. I had a few interesting conversations over the last couple days that I'd like to write to remind myself of them. Suffer thru if you will, otherwise, train stops here. They really were interesting conversations that gave me things to think about. I apologize if a couple of you are reliving these. Hehe.. Thought provoking geeks! So you know where I'm going with this. A friend (we'll call him #1)mentioned that geek guys like geek girls. I disagreed. I repeated the statement to another friend (#2) and HE said that it's only true with smart geek guys. Now here's the thing. Almost none of my guy friends (who are pretty much all geeks and nerds) are interested in geek girls. They are, in fact, interested in untouchable girls. They want the girls who would have been the popular girls in school. I see this all the time, being one of the guys and it's exasperating. These girls are not only usually NOT interested, but NOT good for my friends. They treat them like disposable toilet bowl cleaners, leaning on them for emotional support, then getting rid of them or cheating on them when someone "better" comes along. These are the girls that ruin it for us geek girls. Very irritating. BUT maybe there is some truth to the old addage, "nice guys finish last" cause when you stick around long enough, they come around. Meaning. If the nice guy finishes last, it's cause they are still there when everyone else has already finished and left. I don't know if I worded that very well, but you get it. When friend #2 said that the smart geeks guys like geek girls, he added that after they mature they "get it". Then it dawns on me that Friend #1 IS a mature geek guy, and THAT is why he said what he did. It's just funny, cause I'm seeing that maturation in one of my guy friends and it's a really cool thing to witness. So yeah.. I just really liked the conversation. It was short, but thought provoking for me.

The other one is about having some weird social anxiety thing. I really want/need to get over it, but I'm not entirely sure how. I'm not quite sure what my issue is in the first place. I know I'm afraid I'll sound stupid in a group discussion. I'm not a well spoken person. Let me rephrase that. My brain functions very well. HOWEVER, my brain and my mouth don't much like each other. When I can take the time to think it thru, it usually turns out okay. I realize that if people don't like me for who I am, they can go take a long walk off a short pier, but still. So I'm going to try to get over this. Performing in from of 10,000 people is fine. No sweat. BRING EM ON! But standing in a group of 5 other people at a party, not so much. One on one, yes. Otherwise, I'm the girl standing in the corner whispering to her friend what she really wants to add into a conversation, but is too afraid to. At rehearsals I do it too. I find one person that I can cling to and cling like a stupid person! I'm sure I look conceited or like I'm gossiping. And I don't want that. So I'm going to make an effort. I need to realize that I talk to a lot of people, and I still have friends. My friends realize that I'm a bit of a blonde when it comes to what I say. It just gets frustrating when people start attacking what I say, and are missing what I mean. I know I'm not stupid, but I do realize that sometimes I say some pretty goofy things. *sigh* I wonder if I have ADD or ADHD. Hmm.. Bueno. I'm done for now. Too much writing and talking to my mom at the same time can lead to discombobulated thoughts. SO..I'm out.

Calling Mr. Sinatra!

I take it back. "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm" is my favorite song of the year. How could it not be? Hello.. FRANKIE!!

Yeah. Good times!