So, friends with benefits time is over. Which is okay, cause it wasn't really a very regular thing anyways. And I'd rather have the benefit of being with someone who wants a relationship (THAT kind of relationship). Kisses are great, but empty ones, not so much. There is emotion there, but not the kissing kind of emotion. If he feels something more than just friends, he'll have to pursue it the right way.

Meanwhile, I'm getting my list of lounge music together. The Christmas songs are great, cause a lot of them are done by Frank Sinatra, and he's the perfect role model for what I want to do. Gimme a few suggestions if you find something loungy in the alto/tenor range that you think could be sexy if it were done right. I'm working out again getting ready. I need to have some stuff for June too. I figure there's no reason why I can't be singing and flirting and flaunting my super hot body during fair (cause mark my words. It WILL be by then.. If it KILLS ME!)

Bueno.. Tomorrow I have to change Parker's water and make sure Gusser is getting enough moisture.. DON"T LEMME FORGET!! Love you all!

THE GREATEST WEEKEND EVER!!

Okay.. as you know, Jason proposed to Jamie on Wednesday. Freaking Sweet! BUT.. I have to update you on the happenings since my last blog. Goodness covered in chocolate and topped off with Christian Bale ensued (okay.. so I was making the Christian thing up, but HEY.. Don't smash a girls dreams).

Thursday evening, I was SUPPOSED to go play Gears of War with J. He got caught up in other things so I waited and waited, biding my time by chatting with quite possibly the sexiest man I know. I'd hoped to borrow a movie, and (we'll call him Beast) kindly offered to loan me his copy of the movie. Thinking that J was busy (although WAY closer) and I don't get to see Beast all that often, I decided to go pay him a visit. About 20 mins of chatting and one picture later, I was off to watch the Steve Carrell filled goodness that IS 40 Year Old Virgin.

So at 2:30 am, when I decided that I wouldn't be able to pull the all nighter I'd been planning (my mom, future sister-in-law, and I were to go combat shopping at 4am). I heard my mom getting sick (proof that too much of a good thing is still too much) and got to sleep in. We got to the stores too late for any of the fabulous deals, but had fun nonetheless. Afterward a haircut and some down time with Brielle, we decided to go get a few Christmas gifts. J calls and decides that he wanted to visit a store he hadn't been to in a while, so we met him at the mall, then went to dinner, then I was invited over for some Gears of War (FINALLY).

Saturday, after I got up, went home and grabbed my parents for bagels (Bagel Factory is good.. so you know), and hit the grocery store, I went back to J's for a LOTR marathon. Noon to 11:30pm is a LOT OF MOVIE!! Then of course, I HAD to watch Sin City on top of it. So once again, I ended up crashing there. We got up, hit the Peanut Farm with my parent's (Raven's vs Steelers=TOTAL INTERNAL CONFLICT), then went shopping, and then off to see the new Tenacious D flick which was VERY GOOD!!

So, the moral of the story is, Spending time with a cute guy (and a sexy one too) is fun. That's all. Lots of new movies, lots of rest and laziness.. All the best ingredients for a fabulous weekend.. YAY for Beast and J!!!

Things being what they are..

Nothing really major having happened.. I figure it's good to write a grounded, no drama blog every once in a while about whatever I decide to write. Let's see.. What's worth saying. So I guess first of all, Happy Thanksgiving. I'm grateful for my friends and family. My car, my computer, my job, Parker (my fish) and Gus (my turtle), my divorce being final, my super comfy bed with the Spiderman blanket, Spiderman (the thought that someone could be so human and so incredibly driven at the same time AND have a sense of humor is almost too much to handle), the gym, Starbucks, anime, professional organizers, shopping, Old Navy (the only place in Anchorage to get cute plus size clothing), and pictures. There are lots of other things but these are at the top of the list. There are some people that I'm particularly thankful for, but the list would be fairly long, and mostly consist of family anyways so I won't go there. But you know who you are. I love my mom. She's so giving and funny and supportive to a fault. She loves my friends and loves me and Brielle (I mean really, who doesn't right?) and she puts up with a LOT from me. She's my best friend and I hope I can be HALF the mom to Brielle that she is to me (and now, of course, I'm crying)..

I feel so much more free lately. Free from stress (cause I just decided to get rid of it), free from too much emotion (cause once again.. no reason to deal with too much of anything), free from clouded thought and apprehension. There is a clarity of purpose now that is validating and gratifying. I know what I want and I'm able to think in terms of those things. I suppose the bottom line is that I've decided to be happy. I've decided to do what's best for me and Brielle. And the results thus far have justified the path. So, I have a 4 day weekend. Today, we've had a few friends over. Jake and his mom came over for a couple hours for breakfast. Zach, Jamie, and the boys (Jason proposed to Jamie last night btw.. of course, he waited till AFTER I left.. jerk) came over. Zach had to go to his families house, but Brielle loved seeing her Zachy. Patrick will be over sometime later, as will G.G.. I have no real plans to go anywhere else, but I'm thinking the traditional movie would be fun, and maybe some Gears of War later with Jake. Killing things is always great stress reflection. Tomorrow morning Brielle, my mom, Jamie (and maybe Fran) and I are going shopping. Good times! I'm so excited. I love to hit the sales just to see the crowds. I won't be shopping.. I have Jake, Dad, and Brielle done for Christmas, and Frank's bday gift done, but still have a few more items to get. I have an idea of what to get Patrick and Frank, and Sarah's gift depends on what happens from now till then. And I know.. I don't HAVE to get anything for anyone, but Christmas GIVING is much better than getting, so leave me alone. Other than that, I'm not sure what I'm doing Sat and Sunday. I might go to the Peanut Farm again for football, but that depends. Most importantly I'm sleeping in and spending time doing things that will help me hit my goals.

Bueno.. I've rambled long enough. Jamie and I are gonna get this wedding planned and I'm SO excited. She's the greatest (almost) sister-in-law that I could have ever asked for, and Jason deserves someone who loves him as much as we do. She's making him almost tolerable (ALMOST)!! ;) Luv ya bud!! I love you all and remember you're all on my list of people I'm thankful for, or I wouldn't be letting you read this!! See ya'll on the flip side!

Resolutions may come and resolutions may go..

But my mission statement stays eternal! Lately, I've felt empowered. I've decided that I need to focus on me. Focus on who and what I actually need in my life, the directions I want to take, and the things I want to accomplish. So I suppose I'll list them here, since I need to make a list anyways. Then you all can hold me to them.

So I suppose the goals:
-become a lounge singer
*lose weight
*start making a list of songs and recording them
*check out the local scene for possible opportunities
-get to my goal weight of 175
*gym daily
*water daily
*try cooking for the week, all in one day
-work for myself
*hold 2 or more passion parties per week
*sell over $1000.00 in product per month
*prioritize spending
-travel as often as I choose

So yeah. Everything that doesn't fall into these categories gets put aside for now. I have to go in a direction and accomplish things that will be fulfilling to me. When there is no one else, I will always have myself. And that is who needs to be priority for me right now (aside, of course, from Brielle). It's a very liberating thing to feel focused (finally). Good times!

To flirt, or not to flirt..

So apparently, I've gotten pretty good at flirting. Good enough to make someone uncomfortable. Which, considering the person, is relative. So, when i think someone is cute, I flirt, but when I'm comfortable with them as a friend, I flirt even more, cause there's no pressure or stress. Does that make sense? Being one of the guys apparently means that I'm not allowed to flirt or act like a girl at all. Give up being a girl? I don't think so chump! So instead, I'm sitting here for the third night in a row, cause Tom thinks I'm obsessed with him.

You know what hun. You're cute, but you're not THAT damn cute. You're very good at Guitar Hero, but it's a talent that won't make a relationship work. You're too young, too angry, too irritable, and too manic for me. Jeffrey is cute too, but that doesn't mean I want to sleep with him. If you can't take it, I suggest you put your serving utensils away. No one likes to be told to do what you SAY and not what you DO.. And just cause other people say things, doesn't make them true. Ask Jake and Sarah! ERG!

Oh, and for the record, avoiding your problems won't solve them. You just run the risk of estranging a friend so long, that they aren't your friend anymore..

Letting it all go...

I have felt a comforting sense of peace lately. After lasts weeks stress (topped off by some over reacting), I have been able to put the brakes on my life and get control again. Things seem so clear now that I can't believe I was ever confused or clouded.

So, What it all really comes down to is someone is lying. Really, what about or who it is for sure doesn't matter. But her lying is much worse. As a best friend, she fails miserably, but she's a great ally. I just think she's very confused and needs someone to obsess over her, but not roll over for her. When she had it, she didn't know she needed it, and gave it up. I can't let her get too close now. She's changed. I can't let her tell me things that I know aren't true. At this point, she's the one who I should be wary of. When it comes right down to it, she needs to be wanted and the center of attention (whether she knows it or not). She's going to go out of her way to make sure that Jems likes her, regardless of me or my feelings. Whether he likes her or not, is irrelevent since we are not together, so her telling me that he is lying is irrelevent. It may serve to hurt my feelings, but I trust him more than her, so I choose to believe him. It IS possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, and NOT want to be WITH them. She's just so used to everyone wanting her, that she doesn't know what to do when someone doesn't. Bottom line, I was told that she wouldn't want to be my friend when I hit my weight goal, cause there is no way anyone would be able to focus on her, with me around. I would be too hot (a super great compliment and motivation, btw). Well, apparently, all I needed was a little confidence and she already can't handle it. I'm more focused on being a friend first, which makes me closer to all our guy friends.

ANYWAYS! I've started as a Passion Party Consultant. SO much fun! I'm trying to book as many shows as humanly possible cause I really want to make some extra money for the holidays. I have a birthday party or two to try to plan (yes, yours included.. you know who you are), and some fabulous gifting ideas that will cost a pretty penny, but be completely worth it.

I'm trying to work out as much as possible to hit my goal by June, and being more responsible to my parents. They are giving SO much to Brielle and I afterall. My priorities seem to be in order. I know who to trust, and who to befriend. I'm enjoying my friends and my crushes (Pat calls it a list, but there aren't that many actually). So yeah, life is good and I'm excited again to be here floating along, singing a song. Which reminds me. I'm thinking I'm going to record some loungy kinda songs.. Just for fun. Yee Haw!

Oh.. And I have to mention this great story that really needs to be read by everyone. It's a work in progress, so make sure you check back frequently. The guy who writes it (Rob) is a very talented guy. Musician, Podcaster (make sure to check out that link too), Writer, Tribe Moderator, Father, Husband.. All around great guy (Don't let you head get too big there, Chief! ;) ) But yeah.. If you like superheroes and great writing, definitely check it out..

Also, anyone who knows and loves (or at least likes) my brothers, definitely should think about coming to their birthday party on Wednesday (cause you know you don't have to work on Thursday). It's at 6pm, email me or comment me if you want directions. It's gonna be fun!

1 point 5

Remember the game 'telephone' that you play in elementary school? Yeah.. Apparently it works on adults also. 'Nuff said!

Poor Little Bastard.....

Now, it may not come as a surprise that I've rolled over and taken a few for the team before. It may not come as a surprise that I've had my heart broken a few times (who hasn't, right?).

But honey, when you piss me off.. WATCH OUT! Apparently a certain SOMEONE decided that it would useful, and beneficial for him to try to use Sarah's and my problems to turn us against each other. Jems.. what the HELL were you thinking? Do you not realize that no matter how much your best friend pisses you off, they're still your BEST friend? No matter how irritated you get with each other, or how often you SWEAR you're done with each other, you're still BEST friends?? Did you not think we would figure it out sooner or later? Did you not think we would rectify the situation and become the vindictive little bitches that we are so capable of becoming? Wow, did you step deep into it this time?!

But, do you think we're gonna tell you? Oh no Sweetheart.. We're gonna play you! We're gonna play you like you're 80's Trivial Pursuit! You think I'm too sweet? Too emotional? Too "high school"? You're 31 years old, living with your ex, playing video games with your 22 year old friends, unable to make time for yourself and instead throwing yourself into more work than you can handle, complaining to everyone about everyone.. See, high school gets you ready for real life in a lot of different ways. It is a preparation for the social, employment, emotional, physical things that you'll be dealing with. So yeah.. I guess I do have a little bit of high school drama going on. But I know what is important to me, and if my caring too much about people means I'm acting like I'm in high school, then by all means, book me Dano, cause I'm guilty!

You will NEVER end up with her. No matter how soon her relationship with him ends. She's mine, dumbass. You're gonna be SO sad when you realize that you can't win. When you realize that you gave up the best thing that ever happened to you on a technicality. And when it's gone, it's gone. And you'll miss it SO much!! Cause you'll be looking right at it in all it's glory, and it'll call to you. But you'll never know. So sad.. Poor Jems!

Lonely

Being lonely sucks. I've had the most stressful week of my life (or thereabouts). I went dancing and had a lot of fun (even though the bar we went to kinda sucked), but here I am. On a Saturday night for the first time in 5 weeks, alone. The one week that I actually NEED to talk to someone. NEED to be held and comforted.. nothing. Why does work become so important that people can't see past their noses? Why can't they understand that getting ahead, doesn't necessarily mean working constantly? Money and power aren't the only things. Sometimes I wish that's what I thought, cause then things wouldn't seem so important or so painful. If THAT was the only thing I had to worry about, I'd be good to go. I dunno. Kinda seems like it's being bottled up and put into work. Not healthy, and most of all, for me at least, not making me any less stressed, sad, depressed, hurt, etc.

Sobbing is an uncomfortable way to fall asleep. But being alone while sobbing is almost unbearable.

The pic is me in Hawaii about 7 years ago. Nothing whatsoever to do with my entry!!

I'm not exactly sober as I write this, so bear (?) with me as I may write a little more off than usual. So. Today I worked (if you can really call it that) then watched some Utena with Brielle. I must say, I'm really into this anime. I'm a little worried though, cause my favorite character is the one who is obsessed with her big brother. Strange little tidbit there. Moving on. We hung out, then I went to get Jeffrey and we ate, then hit Patrick's bar. Well.. I mean, realistically, I suppose it's not HIS bar, but he's the bartender, so that's good enough for me. I tried some crazy drinks. I really liked the cartwheel though.. bitter and sweet with lemon.. Mmm.. Anyway.. Then Nico and Tami called and wanted to go out, so I asked to come home. I'm tired, and I have that Passion Party tomorrow afternoon. It's gonna be SO much fun! I'm super pumped.. There should even be a few guys there. Good times! Yeah. But I haven't written for a couple days, so I thought I should.

Jeff has calmed down. Finally. He's realizing there isn't anything he can do about anything. Heheh.. Yes, I AM evil. Thanks for noticing! Crystal has been completely cut off. I mean. She says she didn't have the address to the blog, but I don't care. I like knowing who my audience is anyways. She said she thought I needed to understand what she said and why. I told her that I didn't need to understand anything having to do with her. As long as Jeff and I know what is going on and can deal with things having to do with Brielle, no matter what the difference of opinion personally, no one else mattered. That I didn't hate her, but I was done with her. Period. So there..
Meanwhile, Jason got in today from Cali, but was SUPER tired, so he crashed. I would have gone to Tom's for some Guitar Hero 2 (highly recommended btw.. Bass.. Yeah.. it rocks!), but I'm just feeling like sleeping this headache off would be FABULOUS!! So yeah. That's it I think. Just gonna say hello to all the hotties out there (you know who you are) and go to sleep so I can continue my fabulous dreamage. Oh.. and I have a great pic of SOMEONE on my desktop. Very photogenic, VERY chic ;)
Love you alls! Hope my blog wasn't too unbearable.. I'm sure I'll read it tomorrow and be mortified.. for right now.. I'm typing with my eyes closed as I pass out. G'NIGHT!!!

We spit in your general direction!!

So, I decided to use invites for this blog. I didn't think I would have to, but I've recently learned that I do. Someone who I trusted gave info to Jeff and I'm sure he was reading this. The other thing is that there are people/things that I'd like to talk about, that I wasn't able to because of who had access. Now I know exactly who I'm potentially writing to, and I can't write whatever I want.

SO. First of all. Let me thank you all for being such wonderful friends. You all mean a LOT to me. I'm learning that trust is a very easy thing to give, but not a very easy thing to depend on. Does that make sense? Okay. It's easy to trust someone (well, was), but I'm finding that more often than not, that trust is broken. What is has done is make me want to be more trustworthy and a better friend/person. People that I've known for years have turned around in moments and turned into the worst possible versions of themselves (in my opinion). Crystal and DeSean are the two people that I'm talking about obviously.


It really irritates me that Jeff seems to think he has enough info to take Brielle away from me. In fact, I have done nothing that he could possible use to prove me irresponsible. I'm sure Crystal gave him the address to this and he printed all of my blog up to show a judge, were he to decide to do so. Not that anything that I've said has in any ways warranted her being taken from me, but Jeff seems to think so. According to him I'm a horrible person with no morals. According to any judge, I've done nothing out of the ordinary for a 27 year old. Nice try chief!!

Well. Enough whining. I was told recently that whining is NOT cute, so I'd better stop, cause we all know just how damn cute I am!! ;) Night!!

<----------Check out the list of links!!

So that all involved are informed, I added a few links to some fabulous blogs (the people are okay too!) Make sure you check them out... Good times!!

In the meantime, stay tuned for more rantings!

Intrigue

I'm intrigued. Isn't it crazy how you think you know someone? I mean, I thought certain people would react to things certain ways, and recently I've been proven wrong on nearly every account. I think I can trust someone, and I can't. I think someone will be supportive, and they aren't. I think someone will be furious, and the opposite happens. I think someone will show affection, and nothing. I don't expect someone to show affection, and unsolicited amounts are forced onto me.

So my question to everyone is, how do you know when you know someone? How do you know when you can trust them? How do you know when you understand them, or empathize, or comprehend their meanings? What signs are given? And maybe more importantly, how do you know when you know yourself? How do you know when you are who you really are? When you are at your core and able to continue doing so until others are allowed to really know you?

Strange things have been happening, and on some fronts I'm ecstatic, but others are irritating, offensive, and sickening. I can only hope that I'll learn the difference between how people acted, and how they do/will act. I'm obviously a little more out of touch than I thought I was, but the one thing I'm not out of touch with, is the one thing that I can depend on to get me through the rest of it all!

Last Night

Was SO much fun! Thanks to everyone who came out with me. I was lovin it! There was a little drama there for a minute, but a round of drinks quickly cleared that up. Surprised the hell outta me too. It started off with Adam and I going bowling. Then I called Becky to have her join us, and before you knew it, we were off and running. I called DeSean who walked in the freezing cold to hang out with us. Kimbo couldn't make it, but such is life. I bowled for the first time since the surgery, and I have to say, I did VERY well. The adjustment was a quick one (just moving a little to the right), but the focus is a little off. A problem I should be able to resolve in a timely manner. It was great to be bowling again for sure. I beat Adam the first game, then he beat me the second (I was gossiping with Becky, so I was a little distracted). When DeSean got there, we decided to take off for drinks. We ended up going to the Cabin Tavern. A very cute little place, but no food (I HAD been planning on going to Friday's for apps, but got bailed on.. sniff). I invited Patrick and Dannielle, who both ended up coming, but Becky and Dannielle missed each other by two mins. Jake showed which I was completely unprepared for. He just wanted to congratulate me, then lecture me. But he bought a round for everyone since he was completely distracting me and was getting some glares. Becky took off all of a sudden when he got there. Becky and Jake are a kinda volitile combination. They both like each other as people, but not when it comes to me. Which I feel bad about, but I can't really do anything about, cause it's what they've said to each other that causes their judgements. After he left, I went to get some food in me, so I didn't get sick, then DeSean and I did an Irish Car Bomb (and I kicked his ass). So.. Anyways. I had a good time, and it was great to see so many people from Jr/High school. Lotta good memories, and good times. I feel so much more comfortable with people and with myself. I can't believe I ever let Jeff happen to me. But, such is life and I'm learning what lessons I need to, and moving on!

An Update from the Desk of...

You know.. Everytime I begin posting something, I start by writing "So.." then I realize that I say it all the time, so I change it to "Okay", but that's no better. Just a random thought.

ANYWAYS!! Since I haven't written in a couple days I guess I'd better catch myself up. I decided that I'm not as interested in "him" as I thought I was. I realized yesterday that he's seeing someone else, and I'm not jealous, so that I guess tells me something. I can get affection from him without BEING with him. And really, wasn't waiting for someone what got me into my (finally over with) marriage in the first place? So yeah. I'll just keep on keepin on, and have fun, accomplish what I want/need to, and if someone comes along and sweeps me off my feet in the meantime, great. Otherwise, Mr. Right will have to find me, cause I'm not Indiana Jones. I'm not gonna go hunting for my treasure!

In other news, I'm going back to my maiden name. I wasn't going to, cause I thought it would be easier with Brielle, and I kinda feel like I'm abandoning her, but if I end up remarrying anyways, my name will change, so I might as well NOT keep the name association. I would MUCH rather be associated with my family, and no reminder of all that. I waited so long to be a Brown.. But I love my family, and so yeah.. good times!

I went to the gym with Brielle and Patrick yesterday. It was cool to be able to take her to the daycare and let her play. I felt kinda guilty for dropping her off at ANOTHER daycare, but then I realized that this could get her in the habit of coming to the gym regularly, and get her out of the house and playing with other kids. And that is NOT a bad thing! SO, I'm not feelin so bad anymore.. Now I kinda feel more like I owe it to her and I'd be a badish mommy if I didn't. It's exciting to be losing inches and seeing a difference in myself and the reactions around me.I know it has more to do with my confidence, but still, makes me feel great!

SO.. Now that everything is final and over with, I'm super excited to see what the future holds. Things are looking up, finally, and I fully intend to take advantage of my freedom! Viva la vida Melodia!!