Feet, Bad XMas's, and A New Beginning.

Don't worry.. I'll get to it all. First the feet. You know, those things which I can't seem to keep out of my mouth. I swear, the taste of sweating socks is NOT on my list of favorite things. I just can't seem to get them out. My whole life, but apparently PMS means Put Mouth around Sock. I keep (kept) saying and doing things that I didn't mean to, or that gave the wrong impression. Now I have to recover. Getting hammered and drunk texting doesn't help either. Which I will NEVER do again (you all say it and repeat the deed, but I WILL NOT!)

Christmas Eve was great. Other than that, my 4 day weekend pretty close to sucked. I'll start at the beginning. So, Saturday I went to a Christmas party. Things were great, til I caught wind of someone talking about me (and I still don't know what was said), but it made me worry nonetheless, that it would effect my friendship with someone else. Of course, that would never happen. I'm just so used to NOT being able to trust people that it's a difficult adjustment to make. So I stayed for a while, then went home and vegged. Which reminds me, Tom and I are good to go again.. And ya know, thank goodness, cause I really miss him a lot. He's a great guy (sometimes immature, but I'm certainly NOT one to talk) and a super supportive friend. Anyways. Christmas Eve I got to wrap presents, hang out with Brielle and clean. Then after her nap, Brie got a bath and into her SUPER cute outfit that Fran got her. After a quick trip for more stocking stuffers, we went home to find Jake and Fran there and the present opening ensued. I got TONS of fabulous stuff. I really loved my Cardinals jersey. And this isn't just ANY jersey. It's a World Series Chaps jersey.. Oh, but not from '06. NO! It's from 1982!! HELLZ YEAH BABY!! I'm LOVIN it! So yeah.. good times. We sang happy birthday to a super cute guy, and then we went to see the lights on Bayshore. I stayed the night with Fran, and the next day got to spend the day with her. It wasn't too bad actually. I got to be there when the family opened presents, then we went to a movie. The next day I just chilled with Brielle and then later that night went out and got more drunk than I have ever, and ever want to be again. It was the most horrible experience of my life. NEVER AGAIN! OMG..

So, since I was so "hormonal" and missing people who were too busy to spend much time with me over the last few weeks, I decided to splurge and get a hotel room for New Years. That and a horse drawn carriage ride should smooth things over, and give us time to talk ourselves back on track. I'm so excited. So yeah.. That will be the new beginning of the new year, and the new friendship. I'm pumped!

BUT! Enough about me. How was your weekend? I've been feeling kinda lonely lately, and I completely intend to fix that, so drop me a line, or gimme a call and say hi! I love you all!!

Word of the day

Synonyms of 'forlorn' (Melody)
- 21 synonyms - Roget's II: Thesaurus
•
Dejected due to the awareness of being alone: desolate, lonely, lonesome, lorn.
•
Having been given up and left alone: abandoned, bereft, derelict, deserted, desolate, forsaken, lorn.
•
Empty of people: deserted, desolate, godforsaken, lonely, lonesome, unfrequented.

SO true.

Okay. A few days ago, someone said something so simple, yet so profound. I've been thinking a lot about it, and it makes so much sense to me that it's a wonder it hasn't physically pained me to consider it as often as I have. Wow.. long sentence. SO.. I want to break it down. Hopefully I can get it out of my head by talking about it.. It's kinda getting a bit depressing actually.

"It's not called clingy. It's called needing to know that I'm wanted."

Simple right? SO.. Context aside, I think there is a huge difference between being clingy and wanting to be around the person you are, or want to be in a relationship with. If you're in a relationship, you should want to be with/around the person. Otherwise, why the hell are you in the relationship? And at that point, is it really called a relationship? I think not. Notice how people make assumptions about relationships based on how often the pair in question are seen together? Clingy is needlessly and CONSTANTLY being with the person. Here's the thing. I've been with people who are clingy. I've dumped them all. I am still an individual. I still have personal interests that my partner doesn't have to share. Talents, hobbies, traits.. Mine.. There is a difference between trying to "become one PERSON" and "become one IN PURPOSE". Working towards a common goal, fine.. Being the same person in two different bodies.. Not so much! It's also evident in jealousy. Meaning, when you are clingy, you get SUPER jealous if you aren't the one with the person. If you are just needing to be wanted, a phone call will do often. Any sort of contact is enough to keep you going. "I know he's thinking of me, cause he called me" kinda thing.

It sounds silly I'm sure, but it's liberating to have someone need to be wanted by you. Of course, the person wasn't talking about me per say, but to know that there is someone thinking of you and who wants you to be thinking of them, makes distances not so horrible. Still, nothing beats feeling his/her warmth beside you while watching a movie, playing games, reading, sleeping, etc. And not being clingy, doesn't mean you can't still miss them. And I find that all too often, I do.

All of a Sudden!

SO, not much to say lately. Until last night. NOW all of a sudden, I have all KINDS of things to rant and freak out about (we all knew it was too good to last).

So. I've written about it here before, but it's all coming together finally. I talked to my friend, Jill about how irritated I was about the whole situation (you know.. the chic that I can't stand.. we'll call her Eris for now. So, Jill knows the whole situation with Eris and Jems. She agrees. She says, though, that I need to tell him that I'm ready for a relationship, if that's what I want, cause she knows "for a fact" that he wants to be with me, but that he's waiting until I am ready. Doesn't want to rush me. So, I decide to make it PAINFULLY obvious. In talking to him about Eris, I say "The thing that irritates me as a friend is how she treated you, and still thinks she has rights with you. The thing that irritates me as 'someone who wants nothing more than to be with you' is that it makes me jealous that she can hang all over you, and I can't. She had her chance, and didn't want it. Someone of us want it, but won't ever get it." NOW.. If that isn't obvious, then guys really are all stupid and I'm gonna stop defending them all!

So that is fine, he says there isn't anything to be jealous about and that there is no way in hell he'd ever go back to her even IF she wanted to be with him. So now the real problem. I'm SO afraid that the reason we aren't together doesn't have anything to do with him not being sure about whether or not I'm ready. I'm afraid it has to do with my weight. NOW. Before you roll your eyes. Hear me out. I realize that someone that shallow isn't someone I would want to be with in the first place. Also, I know he isn't that shallow. BUT it's enough to make me freak out. I don't want to even have to calm myself down about this kinda stuff. I'm taking one day at a time and making each day count. Jamie freaking ROCKS, and she's getting a membership for the wedding.. We're gonna look like freaking superstars and I've decided to finally let my hair grow out again.

Meanwhile, my mom is irritating the hell outta me, cause she's been freaking out about things lately. Good grief. It's SUPPOSED to be a time of peace, love and joy. Now I know why people started reminding everyone of this by saying, "MERRY Christmas and HAPPY holidays". Guess they realized most of us need reminders! Either way.. Have a great Thursday in case I don't talk to you tomorrow! Love you all!!

A week already?

Man, I'm slackin'! I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted! Bueno. Things are SO good. I had two passion parties yesterday, and did very well at both of them. It's so easy and I don't feel stressed or tense while I'm doing them, a serious difference from pampered chef and byb. Don't get me wrong, they're great. But I'm SO much more at ease with this, go figure. So I'm gonna be making some extra money for bills AND I have my first recruit! YAY!!

So, I've been going to the gym for a while now. I'd been very consistent for a couple months, then slacked for a month, then the last two/three weeks I've been very consistent again. SO WHY THE HELL DID I GO UP A SIZE?? OMG.. SO frustrating. But I know I can do it. I want it SO bad. I've been going to the gym by myself, and I've decided (even during the holidays) that the only carbs I'm eating are fruits and veggies. I'll allow myself some coffee, but that's it. I have to get the under control. I have to show Jeff up, and I have to feel good about myself again. I have the personality and the face, but the shape is KILLING me! Plus, I made a deal with myself that when I hit a certain (unspoken) weight, I'll join aikido. Which sounds very cool, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately cause of all the dark streets and walking/driving alone. Plus, I love to relax and have a way to meditate. Doesn't seem like there are many other things more relaxing than that!

So, that's my beef. I added a new link to my list. It's a video by a good friend of mine (also named Rob). Check it out and lemme know what you think!! Loves!!

Yee Haw!!!

Dunno. Just felt like I deserved a yee haw! I'm feelin' good lately. I hate it when people post the words to a song that everyone already knows. I know it may reflect the mood or exactly what you're feeling in a way better than you can, but still. I'll just put it in if I wanna hear it. However. As I have nothing else to say really. Other than, "Well done!" (only a few of you will get that, but it's HILARIOUS, trust me!) There is a song that isn't actually very mainstream, that explains my mood, in a few different ways, very well. Here goes!

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze drifting on by
You know how I feel
It's a new a dawn
And a new day
And a new life for me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossoms on the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new a dawn
And a new day
And a new life for me
And I'm feeling good

Dragon fly out in the sun
You know what I mean
Don't you know?
Butterflies all having fun
You know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world
Is a new world
And a bold world
For me
And I'm feelin' good

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of pine
You know how I feel
Oh Freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
And a new day
And a new love for me
And I'm feeling good

Get comfy. This one is kinda long.

Isn't it strange how one phone call can change your whole outlook? Isn't it weird how the tone of someone's voice can make you either melt or ache? I suppose it's probably just me. Words don't necessarily matter during these phone calls. It's the feeling. It's the background and the assumptions (which I admittedly make a LOT of). An interesting website that I've found has reminded me that jumping to conclusions is usually a bad thing. I've seen the difference in my work history that NOT reacting has made. Riding it out has always benefited me greatly. I underestimate my ability to overcome adversity quite a bit. Reminding me that this is true in my personal life is no small feat. So, rather than get emotional or start questioning things, I rode the wave. Waited to see where it would take me, and wouldn't ya know.. It took me right where I was before. Nothing changed, just an ill perceived phone call. I'm so glad my friends are patient and love me so much, cause I am such a heel.

In other news! Thunderchops is back in town with his LOVERLY wife (who FREAKING ROCKS!). I'm SO excited. It was great to see them last night/this morning and I'm super excited to be able to hang out. Oh, and Steve, you WILL be experiencing Fantasies. You're being dragged! ;)

In other OTHER news.. I had a few interesting conversations over the last couple days that I'd like to write to remind myself of them. Suffer thru if you will, otherwise, train stops here. They really were interesting conversations that gave me things to think about. I apologize if a couple of you are reliving these. Hehe.. Thought provoking geeks! So you know where I'm going with this. A friend (we'll call him #1)mentioned that geek guys like geek girls. I disagreed. I repeated the statement to another friend (#2) and HE said that it's only true with smart geek guys. Now here's the thing. Almost none of my guy friends (who are pretty much all geeks and nerds) are interested in geek girls. They are, in fact, interested in untouchable girls. They want the girls who would have been the popular girls in school. I see this all the time, being one of the guys and it's exasperating. These girls are not only usually NOT interested, but NOT good for my friends. They treat them like disposable toilet bowl cleaners, leaning on them for emotional support, then getting rid of them or cheating on them when someone "better" comes along. These are the girls that ruin it for us geek girls. Very irritating. BUT maybe there is some truth to the old addage, "nice guys finish last" cause when you stick around long enough, they come around. Meaning. If the nice guy finishes last, it's cause they are still there when everyone else has already finished and left. I don't know if I worded that very well, but you get it. When friend #2 said that the smart geeks guys like geek girls, he added that after they mature they "get it". Then it dawns on me that Friend #1 IS a mature geek guy, and THAT is why he said what he did. It's just funny, cause I'm seeing that maturation in one of my guy friends and it's a really cool thing to witness. So yeah.. I just really liked the conversation. It was short, but thought provoking for me.

The other one is about having some weird social anxiety thing. I really want/need to get over it, but I'm not entirely sure how. I'm not quite sure what my issue is in the first place. I know I'm afraid I'll sound stupid in a group discussion. I'm not a well spoken person. Let me rephrase that. My brain functions very well. HOWEVER, my brain and my mouth don't much like each other. When I can take the time to think it thru, it usually turns out okay. I realize that if people don't like me for who I am, they can go take a long walk off a short pier, but still. So I'm going to try to get over this. Performing in from of 10,000 people is fine. No sweat. BRING EM ON! But standing in a group of 5 other people at a party, not so much. One on one, yes. Otherwise, I'm the girl standing in the corner whispering to her friend what she really wants to add into a conversation, but is too afraid to. At rehearsals I do it too. I find one person that I can cling to and cling like a stupid person! I'm sure I look conceited or like I'm gossiping. And I don't want that. So I'm going to make an effort. I need to realize that I talk to a lot of people, and I still have friends. My friends realize that I'm a bit of a blonde when it comes to what I say. It just gets frustrating when people start attacking what I say, and are missing what I mean. I know I'm not stupid, but I do realize that sometimes I say some pretty goofy things. *sigh* I wonder if I have ADD or ADHD. Hmm.. Bueno. I'm done for now. Too much writing and talking to my mom at the same time can lead to discombobulated thoughts. SO..I'm out.

Calling Mr. Sinatra!

I take it back. "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm" is my favorite song of the year. How could it not be? Hello.. FRANKIE!!

Yeah. Good times!

Oh and by the way, I HATE the Christmas Story!

So I'm super into music, as everyone who knows me well knows. But I'm SUPER into Christmas music. I always have been. I obtained a whole new appreciation for it when i was working at Gap though. I'm partial to the classics. Bing Crosby, Frankie Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Dean Martin, etc. Every year it seems I have a new favorite and a new song to loathe. This year my favorite is "All I Want for Christmas is You". My least favorite is "Baby, It's Cold Outside". My all time favorite will always be the classic version of "Little Drummer Boy". And countless others would easily be labeled my favorite to sing. I guess Christmas music reminds me of the numerous choirs I've been in. I love harmonizing, and really these songs are made exactly for that. Makes me think that the seasons really are all about harmony and peace and love.

I used to hate Christmas (those 5 or 6 years when all I ever asked for was a remote control car, but got things like bookmarks and underwear instead. What kind of booty is that?? Certainly nothing to brag about. I have a reputation during the holidays as a result. I am SO not able to keep my gifts a secret until Christmas. I'm always so proud of what I'm giving, and so anxious to see the look on my friends' faces that I HAVE to give them their gifts early. I love spending time with the family, playing games, listening to the music, making cookies and delivering them.. And this year, I have the enviable job of creating a new tradition for a beautiful little girl who will be forming her own memories of what Christmas means. I'm so excited. We're always so focused on that one day, but really it's the feeling of the season that I love. The only thing that can put a damper on Christmas for me is Santa. The Claus himself makes me shiver with disgust. Not the thought of Santa. The old men in the malls dressed up. Roaring and ready to have all those hundreds of kids and their moms sit on their laps and ask them for things like they were kings or gods. ICK! Creepy old bastards! This is why I'm including this link in my blog today:

http://www.southflorida.com/events/sfl-scaredsanta,0,2245506.photogallery?index=1

Check it out. You'll see exactly why I can't stand Santa (or clowns for that matter0. Half of them look like murderers and my favorite is picture number 11, where Santa looks just as pissed as the kids! Tis the Season, BABY!!

So far, it's only irritating.

I can't control it any longer. I HAVE to rip her a new one.. whether she knows it or not (since she never will) and whether anyone reading this cares.. it MUST be done. For those of you who figure out who this is pertaining to, please realize that I'm ranting and I don't hate her, I just need to let it out.

So.. Okay. JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF PEOPLE FOR 4 DAYS OUT OF THE YEAR.. YOU ARE NOT THE END ALL BE ALL IN CHARGE OF EVERYTHING YOU EVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH!!! People ARE quite capable of functioning without you and your over-the-top-take-them-or-get-the-hell-out opinions. Not everyone enjoys being yelled at and degraded in front of other people. Not everyone wants to BE you or be WITH you. And.. YOU ARE NOT PRETTY!! YOU ARE NOT SKINNY ENOUGH TO WEAR LEGGINGS.. GET OVER THEM!!!

If I come over one more time, and have to listen to her flirt with or hang all over you-know-who, KNOWING that she ripped his heart out and smashed it through his windshield, I'M GOING TO SCREAM!! Just because he was all about you at some point, doesn't mean he still is. Doesn't mean you have license to take advantage of him or try to guilt him into doing things that he doesn't want to do. If you want to go to Wal-Mart, GO! He doesn't have to go with you! If you're going to have a party he doesn't HAVE to be there. Believe it or not, he may actually have more important things to do (*gasp* more important than you?!)

Okay.. I'm calm. I'm relaxed.. I'm feeling better. *whew*

I know it's pretty obvious who I'm talking about BUT it had to be said. I mean, if I can't go off about someone in my own blog, where can I? So yeah.. She's got great qualities, just not from my status at this point in time. From where I sit, things are much worse than they really would be to anyone else. Understandably so, given my friendship with a certain someone. HOWEVER.. HE doesn't know that I think these things.. He knows she irritates me for a lot of the same reasons Sarah does. That's it. I don't want to say bad things about her, cause she really isn't a bad person, and there are plenty of things that I like about her. From my current position in someone's life, I have serious issues with her.

K. Done. I'm out. LATE!

The End of and Era

It's the end of an era. An extremely SHORT era, but an era nonetheless. Things have settled down. I know I've said it before, but the results of my efforts have so immensely paid off that I have to say it again. I'm so proud of myself. An extremely conceited thing to say admittedly. This week I've gone to the gym (or walked at home) regularly. I've disposed of the excess drama in my life and so far I haven't really missed them. I've been spending more time with the people who love me and support me. No strings attached. The numbers are smaller, but the reward is indescribable.

I think my relationship with J is changing. Still, it is what it is. It's the best way to describe it. I've never been in a friendship quite like this. I think the best way to describe it is that we're SO content being friends that we don't wonder or worry or push anything. It never has to be discussed. It just flows. We understand each other without really having to vocalize, but when vocalization is what is needed, it's crystal clear with no embarrassment or fear or pain. Said and done. It's very relaxing. Both of us have been pained in some way, and neither of us is willing to let it happen again. Rushing into ANY kind of relationship (whether it be friends or more) is not something that either of us is interested in. We simply enjoy each others' company and feel relaxed and understood. What more can you ask from a friend? It's so comfortable. I've just never been this at ease with anyone before. It's strange. My head tells me that I should be waiting for it all to come crashing down, but I can't find that fear anywhere. It doesn't exist. I'm sure this doesn't make a lot of sense, and I avoid writing things like this (so specifically about someone who some of you know) especially since he doesn't know that I'm writing this blog in the first place. He's just an incredible person and the best friend anyone could hope to have and I feel exceedingly lucky to have him. And I need to give him credit for it.


So the era that has come and go was the crazy era. The time when I explored and found out what was there and what my options were. I've narrowed down my surroundings to the things that are the MOST important to me and the focus has helped me become more functional. On to the grown up Melody. The Melody who knows who she is and what she wants. And has the nerve and the will to get it!

Damn it, Rob!!

Hey. My name is Melody, and I have an addiction. *sigh*

I'm addicted to a story with no name (at least not one that I'm aware of). I'm thinking about it and wondering what is gonna happen next. Thinking about what I would do in the situations that Sarah Juneau and Peter Novicki find themselves in. I think about how I feel like I can relate to Peter quite a bit. I feel so dumb. I mean, I suppose this is why people read. Why people love superheroes so much. Why people love books and stories so much. I've just never actually known the person who is thinking it all up. It's somewhat surreal. I have SO many friends who are into comics and I want to take it to them all and tell them to sit down and read it so we can talk about it. It makes me think that it's kind of a strange thing, emotion. I mean.. We have opinions and feelings about things that you aren't directly involved with. Like how you can hate someone you've never met (or maybe that doesn't even actually exist) just cause of your emotions. I'm sure this is a very random, pathetic thing to consider in depth but.. it's intriguing. I SO need to go back to psychology. Anyways. if you haven't already, go read it. The link is on the port side of this blog. Start at the beginning and read thru to 11.2 (so far). Let me know what you think, and definitley let Rob know what you think. I want to write about how I feel about the characters, but I don't want to give anything away..