F#$% Them ALL!!

OMG.. I wanna scream until I either pass out of bleed from the throat!!!

What the HELL is wrong with people? Why can't he learn to LEAVE THINGS ALONE? Why can't she learn to SHUT HER DAMN MOUTH? Why can't he learn to OPEN UP? ERG!! I just wanna strangle something. It's making me think things I shouldn't. I want to not talk to him again until he can make up his mind. I want to kick him in the ass until he bruises and can't sit, so that everytime his legs start to ache from standing, he thinks of what a bitch I can be! I want to tie her hair to a tree branch and let her hang there, in agony. Maybe with ticks crawling all over her and her hands tied above her head so the blood drains away and she's looks horrid! ERG! I want to go make out with every guy I see until I find one who kisses so well, that all my worries just drain away and I haven't any cares left that haven't left my lips for his.

I don't want to waste myself on these people. I want to be who I am, and have a cast of supporters who actually know what it means to SUPPORT!! ERG! Now he'll never talk to me again, and the next time he does, he'll be yelling. I don't want to ever talk to her again.. she's selfish and childish. And I don't want to be high maintanence, but I think I deserve to be for a while.

Idiots. I'm surrounded by idiots!

Catching up with my crazy life.

Okay.. I haven't written in a bit, and I feel like I'm not getting out what I need to. So here we go. Those of you who are in the know about stuff lately, might find this a little repetitive. Those of you who aren't, well, I hope you aren't offended or appalled by what I'm about to say.

So, first things first. I'm feeling a lot more confident about myself lately. I can see a difference in the way my clothes look, and the way I carry myself. It feels great. I've also noticed an influx of attention coming my way. Solicited or not, it's welcome. For the most part. There is one guy who is trying very hard to push me into things that I'm not ready for. I'm NOT promiscuous. I'm not a quick mover. I need to know people and be friends with them, and trust them, before anything happens.

I've come to the conclusion through this OVER abundance of attention from this particular person, that I'm not at all uncomfortable with the idea of friends with benefits as a primary source of comfort and affection. If I'm not necessarily looking to commit, what could possibly be wrong with it? Other than, of course, the possibility of screwing up the friendship. I think two responsible adults can take care of that with some open, honest communication. Another thing which has come in handy lately for me. I mean, obviously I try not to lie, but I usually don't "spit it out". Usually I hold back and worry. Wonder what they'll think of me, or what they'll think/say about the situation. Not so lately. I'm trying to be very forward and courageous in my dealings. Something that has come to be a joy, regardless of outcome.

There are still a few people that I'm interested in. I created a D&D character today who has a skill that I used several times already (in one session of play). It's called sense motive. Coupled with Interrogate, it's a very powerful tool. I wish I had it in real life. I'm SO bad at reading people, that I often worry about things that are completely irrelevant regarding the situation. Like, making something from nothing. No always a good thing. I don't want to assume things, but people like a little initiative sometimes.. NOT great for me. But when I have the confidence, I see people reacting positively. Good times! Now I just hafta go out there and let the cute guys have it!

So, I'm way to excited to talk about his miserable stuff much longer. A friend reminded me a few days ago, that Thursday is an EXTREMELY important day for me! The divorce is final! I'm SO happy! It opens up all kinds of doors for me. Gives me the opportunity to make my own decisions without fear of what others will think/say/do in turn. I am clear of all commitments, no matter how trivial at this point. And what I do, won't be compared to what he did. Cause it won't matter!! YAY! I find myself wondering if anything will actually change because of this though. I mean, there are a few relationships that I have with friends and "friends" that may or may not be dependent on the status of the divorce. The thing is, I don't know for sure IF there is anything waiting for me. But I know that all doors will open, and IF there are things yet to be explained, endured, enforced, or experienced after Thursday, I'll be ready (I hope)!

I'm a little self conscious still, and a little nervous/shy about things though. I'm intimidated by the vast possibilities ahead of me after Thursday (which also happens to be our 6th anniversary.. ironic, eh??) I know that my standards are much higher, and I tend to be much more modest in my dealings with men than is the standard, and I often worry that it makes me less desirable. I try to not feel like my weight is an issue, but with the comments made regarding that by my (soon to be) ex, I can't help but worry/wonder. I do know that anything that I do to fix that problem, will only continue to make me more confident, and less vulnerable to people like Mr Pushy!

Life is good! And I have nothing but excessive giddiness about what Thursday, Nov. 2nd will open up for me!

Foreign Ideas

Okay.. I'm realizing that I have a lot of things to learn about this big wide world. I'm constantly (it seems) being introduced to new ideas or at least having to think about things that I hadn't considered before. It's unnerving and little overwhelming. I'm so glad for friends who are so open and helpful. I feel like I'm having to actually think about things for myself. Actually, that's exactly what I'm doing. The more I learn, the more I have to consider. I'm nervous about these decisions though. I don't want to get myself into any kind of situation, from which I can't get out. I don't want people to get the wrong impression, to expect things from me that I'm not willing to give, to rush me into things. And I'm so glad that I have friends who don't hold my naivety
against me and aren't judgemental. Yet another reason why I'm so grateful for my friends.. All of them!

I'm Evil.. sniff..

What have I become? I know now exactly what I want, and I feel the urge to go out and get only it. I'm feeling like I don't want any distractions or drama getting inbetween me and my ideals. I'm feeling much more confident and bold. Although, admittedly, I have a long way to go before I've expanded my comfort zone to a workable level.

Last night I met the guy who asked me out. He came on SO strong that I was very intimidated. I'm uncomfortable moving too quickly (unless I know the person already and trust them). I'm not the sort of person to kiss on the first date, let alone anything else. However, under the right circumstances (the right person) I would be willing to. I guess my point is that I was intimidated (which is why I said that first.. duh). It finally opened my eyes to exactly what I want though.

I won't date someone who wants a committment UNLESS I can see myself with them for the long haul. No point in dating someone you can't see yourself with. I will date someone who just wants to date (not necessarily exclusively) as long as I am comfortable with them. Getting to know someone and being friends first is always important to me. I need to trust people. Understanding that there won't be a committment and both parties agreeing to it is fine. One person wanting more than the other, maybe not so much..

I hope I make sense, although, I guess as long as it makes sense in my head, it doesn't really matter!!

Why? Because we like you!!

YAY!! Super cute guy flirting with me out of NOWHERE!! Okay.. Lemme back up a little and explain.

Of course. I have some SERIOUS interests. I'm not blind. Duh. But, I'm not going to waste my time waiting around for even the sexiest of guys to flirt with me, or spend time with me, or be interested in something.

Now, granted, the divorce isn't final until next week, BUT that doesn't mean that I can't flirt. And when it comes right down to it, the marriage is long since over. It just feels really good to be able to enjoy and accept attention, especially when unsolicited. Feels very good! Especially since I'm still working on the weight thing (so far I've lost 10 lbs and quite a few inches). I can feel my body changing, which is awesome! And to be getting attention is super motivating! But I'm also motivated to love myself NOW, rather than waiting! I mean, I don't think I'm ugly or too extremely annoying or irritating. I'm a little ditzy and a little goofy/geeky, but everyone has their things. Mine is bubbly I guess. But since the surgery and the divorce, I'm feeling like I really want to be comfortable with myself and actually BE myself all the time and NOT change for anyone/anything. I need to be who I want to be, and perfect it, but love myself the whole time! Yeah.. It's a mouthful!

GO ME! I ROCK! ;)

Courage is so very under rated!

So, what is it when you are scared to death to hug someone, but you're okay with other, more forward, things? What the hell is that? Why is it, that I can't talk to the people that I really like? I'm fine online or while writing, but in person? Are you kidding me? I turn into the worlds largest chicken! I mess my words up, I can't spit things out, I end up sounding like a freakin dee dee dee! ERG! I wanna know WHY I can't be forward. Try to take what I want. Initiate things. Good grief! No one is gonna sit there and wait forever. If I don't do it, will I miss something? I can't read minds, but MAN I wish I could! Frustration is the word for the day. Complete nonsense and utter foolishness. And. In asking the question. I completely mad a fool of myself. If there's no reason to ever be embarrassed, then why do I almost always feel embarrassed? What is that all about?

I suppose the globe will keep spinning, and tomorrow will come. . But I just wish I could figure out how to be the person I want to be. How be the outgoing and brave and confident. Any suggestions?

I guess I didn't realize it was possible to be "trying too hard to take care of everyone". Okay.. I asked if I had an attitude (since everyone around me has had one lately, I figured it must be ME with the attitude, and not them) and yeah.. I was told that I did have an attitude lately and that I was trying to hard. I was worried cause I've had a lot going thru my head lately, so I asked him to clarify. He said I was trying to make sure everyone was okay, and that I should just relax.

Since when is making sure everyone is taken care of a form of attitude. Sigh. Oh well. At least my friend likes my other friend, so that's good. They're so cute when they talk. Yeah.. good times. I hope it works out.. They so deserve to be happy. Anyways.. So yeah.. Okay.. I'm not officially out of things to say, cause it was a slow day. Oh, but Brielle LOVES Tom. AND she is almost completely potty trained all by herself in a week! YAY!! K.. I'm done now!

Are you sure you know who you are??

I love spending time with friends whom I haven't seen in a while. It feels great to catch up and hear about their adventures, and wonder at how much of them I've missed (that's before the guilt of course). So, last night when I FINALLY had the chance to spend time with a friend that I've been missing a lot, I was a little confused. Granted, I was told yesterday that I get confused easily (I act confused a lot more than I actually am, mind you), but I'm wondering why he sat there drinking a beer, telling me about his "experiences" and at the same time preaching to me about how I'm going to want to go back to church someday.

Couple problems with this. I love him. He's been an incredible friend for forever, but he's also been inactive forever too. He's done more in the last 3 years, than I will in my adventures guaranteed! Why is it that he feels that telling me he's been in my position (which he hasn't) and that he knows exactly what I'm feeling (which he doesn't), is gonna make me listen to him anymore than anyone else? I guess my point is that I appreciate the decision he's made. I understand why he's done it (for a girl when it comes right down to it). But until he can NOT drink in front of me, and talk about all the girls he's been with, what is he thinking? His mouth was just as foul as mine. His habits are just as bad as mine. Except that he sits in a suit playing organ 3 hours each Sunday, and I don't! Bah!

I have to say that he's a great guy, and I loved the fact that after so long we could just pick up, catch up, and move on like no time had gone by at all! I still don't care for the raspberry beer at Bear/Mooses Tooth though.. Sorry fellas!! ;)

Okay.. NOW I'm irritated.

Okay.. It looks like I spoke too soon. First of all, if you are in a bad mood, don't freaking take it out on people who have nothing to do with it. If you're frustrated with something, TAKE IT OUT ON THE SOMETHING, NOT someone ELSE. SO immature. Secondly, be consistent. If you're going to flirt and play along, DON'T turn around and threated to kick someone out, cause they're trying to make stupid jokes to try to cheer you up. Bad move. The thing is, if you're worried about how you look in front of other people, maybe you should take care of what you're doing to cause the image problem, INSTEAD of putting other people around you down. Hmm.. There's a novel idea!!

Now. If you DON'T want to talk to someone. If you DON'T want to be around someone. If you DON'T want to be WITH someone.. FREAKING SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Don't just deal with it to make the other person feel better, cause I guarantee, they're gonna feel like an ass when they find out. And then YOU'LL look like an ass for bringing out the emo monster in them. Roar!

All I'm saying is, I'm sorry I'm so excited. I'm sorry I'm a ditz at times. I'm sorry I get carried away. But it does NOT mean that I'm stupid or worthless or deserving of taking your CRAP, cause you figure I'll just get over it.. If I don't I'm proving that you're right, right? Whatever. You go ahead and be the big man, and see what happens when you don't have you're little b!tch there to take the attack.

Friends are Friends Forever!!

So, here I am. Hanging out with the HOTTEST GUY EVER!! Talking to the OTHER hottest guy ever!! Waiting for the OTHER hottest guy ever! Whew.. Too many hottest guys ever for me! I'm getting overwhelmed.

So, I have to bitch about something, cause you know.. this is ME we're talking about. And I've decided that today I'm kinda irritated with airlines. You know, when you sell a ticket to ANCHORAGE, you should fly the freaking plane to, oh I don't know.. ANCHORAGE maybe?! ERG.. SO I missed the gym (cause I'm a tard, and can't go by myself) AND Friday's.. Stupid Alaskan Airlines.. Oh well..

K. Not much of a complaint really, cause life is good. But what the hell is up with my ex asking me on a date and all of a sudden complimenting me like I care anymore? Duh.. As if I'd want to go out for old time's sake, when old time's sake means manipulation and deceit? Whatever!!

And lemme just give a shout out to Frank, Jake, and Tom. For being three of the coolest guys ever!! Cause you know.. I have crushes on all of them (well, I'm technically stalking Frank, so I guess not really ALL three of them but yea!) Love you guys! You all ROCK! And if you ever stop being my friends, it'll be an unfillable void eternally! *winks*

Hi, My name is Melody, and I have a problem.

So, yeah.. My stomach and my chest have become well acquainted lately. There are certain things/people/experiences that make us all tingle or get excited. Seems in the last few months, these have been increasingly more frequent. No one person or thing really, but a few that definitely cause it more than others. A few that make this crazy flip floppy feeling occur fairly consistently. And you know what.. Thank you so much for that!! Cause it's great to get giddy and excited about something again.

I remember I used to get this feeling every time I was rounding the corner on the way to rehersal with Allegro. I know it was the anticipation of seeing Brian, but being on stage and being nervous does the same thing. Remembering things that I've seen that turned me on, or made me nervous, or turned out exactly the way I hoped for, seeing or preparing to see certain people.. All bring fantastic internal, physical feelings. I know this is widely known and nothing new to anyone, but not something that I've ever actually taken the time to appreciate.

I'm going out on a limb this weekend. I'm excited and nervous about it, but I know whatever happens, it'll be an experience that I can either take or leave for next time. I'm hoping to endure this stomach "problem" repeatedly as time goes by. I love the intensity. I love being able to think about something, and have the thought and the memory bring the feeling again. I suppose if I had to have a goal, I would say that (other than continuing weight loss), it would be to unveil more ways to flip flop my stomach or get butterflies. Maybe more karaoke is in order. Who knows. So, yeah.. pictures and images, and voice mails.. makes me wish I dreamt more often!

Honesty really IS the best policy!

So.. I'm feeling MUCH better!! I talked to him, and I know now where we are.. I'm not confused, I'm not embarrassed. I know what to do in case of emergency! Which is SO good for me. I don't mind just being friends and playing, as long as I know that's where we are. The possibility is there, but our friendship comes first. If that involves "being" together every once in a while, so be it. At least it's fun, and with someone I trust! If a relationship comes of it, that would be super fabulous. The bottom line is, I DO NOT WANT TO EMBARRASS MYSELF!!! Everything else is fine. I can act accordingly as long as I know what accordingly is!

In the meantime, if there is someone else that I decide I want to be with, the sky is the limit!!

Great. Now what?

So last night, I ended up staying over. I knew this was gonna happen, so I kinda prepared in a sort of "sneaky" way. I use the term sneaky loosely. The thing is, I love hanging out with him. And I love talking about nothing with him. The problem is that I don't want to look desperate to be around him, and I don't want to sufficate him. I don't think I am at this point. But that might all get a little harder not to do.. after this morning.

So, Events were set in motion, which led to my emotional fall. I've had my barriers up, just in case, and now I'm not so sure I can maintain them anymore. They're down and I'm vulnerable. It scares the hell out of me too. The thing is, I trust him completely. Nothing changed. The way he acted around me didn't change. Things didn't get awkward, he didn't try to avoid me.. I know him well enough to know that he HATES when people lead other people on. He doesn't like non-commital make outs. And even if he did, he wouldn't mess with my head or use me. And he definitely knows I have feelings for him. Everyone does.

So, is this my answer? Is this what I needed to "hear"? Do I go on not worrying about how he feels? He leaves tomorrow for work. I can't wait to see what'll happen next, but I have no choice. Slow things need to go slow. It's their nature. I just have to let nature take it's course.. and hopefully, it'll take the course I prefer.

Excitement, Confusion, Anxiety. OH MY!!

So, I'm realizing that the closer I get to the finality of my divorce, the more excited/anxious I am all at once. I find myself wondering how things will be when I'm once again single. Right now, flirting comes with a sort of security because I know that nothing will happen. Like in 'Return to Me' when Bonnie Hunt's character says, "Don't shave your legs, that way you won't let anything happen". At the same time, I'm excited at the possibilities. Does he like me? Is it my imagination that he's flirting with me? Does he really want me to do those things to him? Or is he just saying it because of that security blanket. How will our relationship change when I'm free? Am I even interested in him intimately? What about my attraction to the others? Do I even have the nerve to act on anything to begin with?

At the same time, I'm working as hard as I can on fixing my own personality quirks.. You know, the ones you wish you DIDN'T have?! I'm mastering things about myself that I've never liked, but can I do it without the help I've been given? I think my support is strong enough to continue making progress, but at some point, I need to support myself. I'm SO infinitely grateful to those who have helped though.

I realize that no one (well, maybe one person) knows what I'm talking about. But that's what I love about my friends and my family. I have true friends who are honest, and love me no matter what crazy ass things I do or say. And I feel much more open and relaxed with them. After all, isn't that what friends are for?

So, yes, I'm excited, and I know that as long as I work on myself, Mr. Right will come along and sweep me off my feet. For now, life is great. Even with the crazy stomach flip flops!!

Let the games begin!!

Well, since this is my first blog in which I feel I can be completely honest, I suppose I'd better write something secret and conspiratory! Don't really have anything in particular to say right now, just wanted to have a place when I can write a personal journal of sorts, and write whatever I want. No being hindered by fear of what others might think or say (which is very important right now, with the divorce and all), and where I can vent without getting people angry at me. Very gratifying. And so the adventures, or rather MISadventures begin!