Okay.. I haven't written in a bit, and I feel like I'm not getting out what I need to. So here we go. Those of you who are in the know about stuff lately, might find this a little repetitive. Those of you who aren't, well, I hope you aren't offended or appalled by what I'm about to say.
So, first things first. I'm feeling a lot more confident about myself lately. I can see a difference in the way my clothes look, and the way I carry myself. It feels great. I've also noticed an influx of attention coming my way. Solicited or not, it's welcome. For the most part. There is one guy who is trying very hard to push me into things that I'm not ready for. I'm NOT promiscuous. I'm not a quick mover. I need to know people and be friends with them, and trust them, before anything happens.
I've come to the conclusion through this OVER abundance of attention from this particular person, that I'm not at all uncomfortable with the idea of friends with benefits as a primary source of comfort and affection. If I'm not necessarily looking to commit, what could possibly be wrong with it? Other than, of course, the possibility of screwing up the friendship. I think two responsible adults can take care of that with some open, honest communication. Another thing which has come in handy lately for me. I mean, obviously I try not to lie, but I usually don't "spit it out". Usually I hold back and worry. Wonder what they'll think of me, or what they'll think/say about the situation. Not so lately. I'm trying to be very forward and courageous in my dealings. Something that has come to be a joy, regardless of outcome.
There are still a few people that I'm interested in. I created a D&D character today who has a skill that I used several times already (in one session of play). It's called sense motive. Coupled with Interrogate, it's a very powerful tool. I wish I had it in real life. I'm SO bad at reading people, that I often worry about things that are completely irrelevant regarding the situation. Like, making something from nothing. No always a good thing. I don't want to assume things, but people like a little initiative sometimes.. NOT great for me. But when I have the confidence, I see people reacting positively. Good times! Now I just hafta go out there and let the cute guys have it!
So, I'm way to excited to talk about his miserable stuff much longer. A friend reminded me a few days ago, that Thursday is an EXTREMELY important day for me! The divorce is final! I'm SO happy! It opens up all kinds of doors for me. Gives me the opportunity to make my own decisions without fear of what others will think/say/do in turn. I am clear of all commitments, no matter how trivial at this point. And what I do, won't be compared to what he did. Cause it won't matter!! YAY! I find myself wondering if anything will actually change because of this though. I mean, there are a few relationships that I have with friends and "friends" that may or may not be dependent on the status of the divorce. The thing is, I don't know for sure IF there is anything waiting for me. But I know that all doors will open, and IF there are things yet to be explained, endured, enforced, or experienced after Thursday, I'll be ready (I hope)!
I'm a little self conscious still, and a little nervous/shy about things though. I'm intimidated by the vast possibilities ahead of me after Thursday (which also happens to be our 6th anniversary.. ironic, eh??) I know that my standards are much higher, and I tend to be much more modest in my dealings with men than is the standard, and I often worry that it makes me less desirable. I try to not feel like my weight is an issue, but with the comments made regarding that by my (soon to be) ex, I can't help but worry/wonder. I do know that anything that I do to fix that problem, will only continue to make me more confident, and less vulnerable to people like Mr Pushy!
Life is good! And I have nothing but excessive giddiness about what Thursday, Nov. 2nd will open up for me!
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