Feet, Bad XMas's, and A New Beginning.

Don't worry.. I'll get to it all. First the feet. You know, those things which I can't seem to keep out of my mouth. I swear, the taste of sweating socks is NOT on my list of favorite things. I just can't seem to get them out. My whole life, but apparently PMS means Put Mouth around Sock. I keep (kept) saying and doing things that I didn't mean to, or that gave the wrong impression. Now I have to recover. Getting hammered and drunk texting doesn't help either. Which I will NEVER do again (you all say it and repeat the deed, but I WILL NOT!)

Christmas Eve was great. Other than that, my 4 day weekend pretty close to sucked. I'll start at the beginning. So, Saturday I went to a Christmas party. Things were great, til I caught wind of someone talking about me (and I still don't know what was said), but it made me worry nonetheless, that it would effect my friendship with someone else. Of course, that would never happen. I'm just so used to NOT being able to trust people that it's a difficult adjustment to make. So I stayed for a while, then went home and vegged. Which reminds me, Tom and I are good to go again.. And ya know, thank goodness, cause I really miss him a lot. He's a great guy (sometimes immature, but I'm certainly NOT one to talk) and a super supportive friend. Anyways. Christmas Eve I got to wrap presents, hang out with Brielle and clean. Then after her nap, Brie got a bath and into her SUPER cute outfit that Fran got her. After a quick trip for more stocking stuffers, we went home to find Jake and Fran there and the present opening ensued. I got TONS of fabulous stuff. I really loved my Cardinals jersey. And this isn't just ANY jersey. It's a World Series Chaps jersey.. Oh, but not from '06. NO! It's from 1982!! HELLZ YEAH BABY!! I'm LOVIN it! So yeah.. good times. We sang happy birthday to a super cute guy, and then we went to see the lights on Bayshore. I stayed the night with Fran, and the next day got to spend the day with her. It wasn't too bad actually. I got to be there when the family opened presents, then we went to a movie. The next day I just chilled with Brielle and then later that night went out and got more drunk than I have ever, and ever want to be again. It was the most horrible experience of my life. NEVER AGAIN! OMG..

So, since I was so "hormonal" and missing people who were too busy to spend much time with me over the last few weeks, I decided to splurge and get a hotel room for New Years. That and a horse drawn carriage ride should smooth things over, and give us time to talk ourselves back on track. I'm so excited. So yeah.. That will be the new beginning of the new year, and the new friendship. I'm pumped!

BUT! Enough about me. How was your weekend? I've been feeling kinda lonely lately, and I completely intend to fix that, so drop me a line, or gimme a call and say hi! I love you all!!

Word of the day

Synonyms of 'forlorn' (Melody)
- 21 synonyms - Roget's II: Thesaurus
•
Dejected due to the awareness of being alone: desolate, lonely, lonesome, lorn.
•
Having been given up and left alone: abandoned, bereft, derelict, deserted, desolate, forsaken, lorn.
•
Empty of people: deserted, desolate, godforsaken, lonely, lonesome, unfrequented.

SO true.

Okay. A few days ago, someone said something so simple, yet so profound. I've been thinking a lot about it, and it makes so much sense to me that it's a wonder it hasn't physically pained me to consider it as often as I have. Wow.. long sentence. SO.. I want to break it down. Hopefully I can get it out of my head by talking about it.. It's kinda getting a bit depressing actually.

"It's not called clingy. It's called needing to know that I'm wanted."

Simple right? SO.. Context aside, I think there is a huge difference between being clingy and wanting to be around the person you are, or want to be in a relationship with. If you're in a relationship, you should want to be with/around the person. Otherwise, why the hell are you in the relationship? And at that point, is it really called a relationship? I think not. Notice how people make assumptions about relationships based on how often the pair in question are seen together? Clingy is needlessly and CONSTANTLY being with the person. Here's the thing. I've been with people who are clingy. I've dumped them all. I am still an individual. I still have personal interests that my partner doesn't have to share. Talents, hobbies, traits.. Mine.. There is a difference between trying to "become one PERSON" and "become one IN PURPOSE". Working towards a common goal, fine.. Being the same person in two different bodies.. Not so much! It's also evident in jealousy. Meaning, when you are clingy, you get SUPER jealous if you aren't the one with the person. If you are just needing to be wanted, a phone call will do often. Any sort of contact is enough to keep you going. "I know he's thinking of me, cause he called me" kinda thing.

It sounds silly I'm sure, but it's liberating to have someone need to be wanted by you. Of course, the person wasn't talking about me per say, but to know that there is someone thinking of you and who wants you to be thinking of them, makes distances not so horrible. Still, nothing beats feeling his/her warmth beside you while watching a movie, playing games, reading, sleeping, etc. And not being clingy, doesn't mean you can't still miss them. And I find that all too often, I do.

All of a Sudden!

SO, not much to say lately. Until last night. NOW all of a sudden, I have all KINDS of things to rant and freak out about (we all knew it was too good to last).

So. I've written about it here before, but it's all coming together finally. I talked to my friend, Jill about how irritated I was about the whole situation (you know.. the chic that I can't stand.. we'll call her Eris for now. So, Jill knows the whole situation with Eris and Jems. She agrees. She says, though, that I need to tell him that I'm ready for a relationship, if that's what I want, cause she knows "for a fact" that he wants to be with me, but that he's waiting until I am ready. Doesn't want to rush me. So, I decide to make it PAINFULLY obvious. In talking to him about Eris, I say "The thing that irritates me as a friend is how she treated you, and still thinks she has rights with you. The thing that irritates me as 'someone who wants nothing more than to be with you' is that it makes me jealous that she can hang all over you, and I can't. She had her chance, and didn't want it. Someone of us want it, but won't ever get it." NOW.. If that isn't obvious, then guys really are all stupid and I'm gonna stop defending them all!

So that is fine, he says there isn't anything to be jealous about and that there is no way in hell he'd ever go back to her even IF she wanted to be with him. So now the real problem. I'm SO afraid that the reason we aren't together doesn't have anything to do with him not being sure about whether or not I'm ready. I'm afraid it has to do with my weight. NOW. Before you roll your eyes. Hear me out. I realize that someone that shallow isn't someone I would want to be with in the first place. Also, I know he isn't that shallow. BUT it's enough to make me freak out. I don't want to even have to calm myself down about this kinda stuff. I'm taking one day at a time and making each day count. Jamie freaking ROCKS, and she's getting a membership for the wedding.. We're gonna look like freaking superstars and I've decided to finally let my hair grow out again.

Meanwhile, my mom is irritating the hell outta me, cause she's been freaking out about things lately. Good grief. It's SUPPOSED to be a time of peace, love and joy. Now I know why people started reminding everyone of this by saying, "MERRY Christmas and HAPPY holidays". Guess they realized most of us need reminders! Either way.. Have a great Thursday in case I don't talk to you tomorrow! Love you all!!

A week already?

Man, I'm slackin'! I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted! Bueno. Things are SO good. I had two passion parties yesterday, and did very well at both of them. It's so easy and I don't feel stressed or tense while I'm doing them, a serious difference from pampered chef and byb. Don't get me wrong, they're great. But I'm SO much more at ease with this, go figure. So I'm gonna be making some extra money for bills AND I have my first recruit! YAY!!

So, I've been going to the gym for a while now. I'd been very consistent for a couple months, then slacked for a month, then the last two/three weeks I've been very consistent again. SO WHY THE HELL DID I GO UP A SIZE?? OMG.. SO frustrating. But I know I can do it. I want it SO bad. I've been going to the gym by myself, and I've decided (even during the holidays) that the only carbs I'm eating are fruits and veggies. I'll allow myself some coffee, but that's it. I have to get the under control. I have to show Jeff up, and I have to feel good about myself again. I have the personality and the face, but the shape is KILLING me! Plus, I made a deal with myself that when I hit a certain (unspoken) weight, I'll join aikido. Which sounds very cool, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately cause of all the dark streets and walking/driving alone. Plus, I love to relax and have a way to meditate. Doesn't seem like there are many other things more relaxing than that!

So, that's my beef. I added a new link to my list. It's a video by a good friend of mine (also named Rob). Check it out and lemme know what you think!! Loves!!

Yee Haw!!!

Dunno. Just felt like I deserved a yee haw! I'm feelin' good lately. I hate it when people post the words to a song that everyone already knows. I know it may reflect the mood or exactly what you're feeling in a way better than you can, but still. I'll just put it in if I wanna hear it. However. As I have nothing else to say really. Other than, "Well done!" (only a few of you will get that, but it's HILARIOUS, trust me!) There is a song that isn't actually very mainstream, that explains my mood, in a few different ways, very well. Here goes!

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze drifting on by
You know how I feel
It's a new a dawn
And a new day
And a new life for me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossoms on the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new a dawn
And a new day
And a new life for me
And I'm feeling good

Dragon fly out in the sun
You know what I mean
Don't you know?
Butterflies all having fun
You know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world
Is a new world
And a bold world
For me
And I'm feelin' good

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of pine
You know how I feel
Oh Freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
And a new day
And a new love for me
And I'm feeling good

Get comfy. This one is kinda long.

Isn't it strange how one phone call can change your whole outlook? Isn't it weird how the tone of someone's voice can make you either melt or ache? I suppose it's probably just me. Words don't necessarily matter during these phone calls. It's the feeling. It's the background and the assumptions (which I admittedly make a LOT of). An interesting website that I've found has reminded me that jumping to conclusions is usually a bad thing. I've seen the difference in my work history that NOT reacting has made. Riding it out has always benefited me greatly. I underestimate my ability to overcome adversity quite a bit. Reminding me that this is true in my personal life is no small feat. So, rather than get emotional or start questioning things, I rode the wave. Waited to see where it would take me, and wouldn't ya know.. It took me right where I was before. Nothing changed, just an ill perceived phone call. I'm so glad my friends are patient and love me so much, cause I am such a heel.

In other news! Thunderchops is back in town with his LOVERLY wife (who FREAKING ROCKS!). I'm SO excited. It was great to see them last night/this morning and I'm super excited to be able to hang out. Oh, and Steve, you WILL be experiencing Fantasies. You're being dragged! ;)

In other OTHER news.. I had a few interesting conversations over the last couple days that I'd like to write to remind myself of them. Suffer thru if you will, otherwise, train stops here. They really were interesting conversations that gave me things to think about. I apologize if a couple of you are reliving these. Hehe.. Thought provoking geeks! So you know where I'm going with this. A friend (we'll call him #1)mentioned that geek guys like geek girls. I disagreed. I repeated the statement to another friend (#2) and HE said that it's only true with smart geek guys. Now here's the thing. Almost none of my guy friends (who are pretty much all geeks and nerds) are interested in geek girls. They are, in fact, interested in untouchable girls. They want the girls who would have been the popular girls in school. I see this all the time, being one of the guys and it's exasperating. These girls are not only usually NOT interested, but NOT good for my friends. They treat them like disposable toilet bowl cleaners, leaning on them for emotional support, then getting rid of them or cheating on them when someone "better" comes along. These are the girls that ruin it for us geek girls. Very irritating. BUT maybe there is some truth to the old addage, "nice guys finish last" cause when you stick around long enough, they come around. Meaning. If the nice guy finishes last, it's cause they are still there when everyone else has already finished and left. I don't know if I worded that very well, but you get it. When friend #2 said that the smart geeks guys like geek girls, he added that after they mature they "get it". Then it dawns on me that Friend #1 IS a mature geek guy, and THAT is why he said what he did. It's just funny, cause I'm seeing that maturation in one of my guy friends and it's a really cool thing to witness. So yeah.. I just really liked the conversation. It was short, but thought provoking for me.

The other one is about having some weird social anxiety thing. I really want/need to get over it, but I'm not entirely sure how. I'm not quite sure what my issue is in the first place. I know I'm afraid I'll sound stupid in a group discussion. I'm not a well spoken person. Let me rephrase that. My brain functions very well. HOWEVER, my brain and my mouth don't much like each other. When I can take the time to think it thru, it usually turns out okay. I realize that if people don't like me for who I am, they can go take a long walk off a short pier, but still. So I'm going to try to get over this. Performing in from of 10,000 people is fine. No sweat. BRING EM ON! But standing in a group of 5 other people at a party, not so much. One on one, yes. Otherwise, I'm the girl standing in the corner whispering to her friend what she really wants to add into a conversation, but is too afraid to. At rehearsals I do it too. I find one person that I can cling to and cling like a stupid person! I'm sure I look conceited or like I'm gossiping. And I don't want that. So I'm going to make an effort. I need to realize that I talk to a lot of people, and I still have friends. My friends realize that I'm a bit of a blonde when it comes to what I say. It just gets frustrating when people start attacking what I say, and are missing what I mean. I know I'm not stupid, but I do realize that sometimes I say some pretty goofy things. *sigh* I wonder if I have ADD or ADHD. Hmm.. Bueno. I'm done for now. Too much writing and talking to my mom at the same time can lead to discombobulated thoughts. SO..I'm out.

Calling Mr. Sinatra!

I take it back. "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm" is my favorite song of the year. How could it not be? Hello.. FRANKIE!!

Yeah. Good times!

Oh and by the way, I HATE the Christmas Story!

So I'm super into music, as everyone who knows me well knows. But I'm SUPER into Christmas music. I always have been. I obtained a whole new appreciation for it when i was working at Gap though. I'm partial to the classics. Bing Crosby, Frankie Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Dean Martin, etc. Every year it seems I have a new favorite and a new song to loathe. This year my favorite is "All I Want for Christmas is You". My least favorite is "Baby, It's Cold Outside". My all time favorite will always be the classic version of "Little Drummer Boy". And countless others would easily be labeled my favorite to sing. I guess Christmas music reminds me of the numerous choirs I've been in. I love harmonizing, and really these songs are made exactly for that. Makes me think that the seasons really are all about harmony and peace and love.

I used to hate Christmas (those 5 or 6 years when all I ever asked for was a remote control car, but got things like bookmarks and underwear instead. What kind of booty is that?? Certainly nothing to brag about. I have a reputation during the holidays as a result. I am SO not able to keep my gifts a secret until Christmas. I'm always so proud of what I'm giving, and so anxious to see the look on my friends' faces that I HAVE to give them their gifts early. I love spending time with the family, playing games, listening to the music, making cookies and delivering them.. And this year, I have the enviable job of creating a new tradition for a beautiful little girl who will be forming her own memories of what Christmas means. I'm so excited. We're always so focused on that one day, but really it's the feeling of the season that I love. The only thing that can put a damper on Christmas for me is Santa. The Claus himself makes me shiver with disgust. Not the thought of Santa. The old men in the malls dressed up. Roaring and ready to have all those hundreds of kids and their moms sit on their laps and ask them for things like they were kings or gods. ICK! Creepy old bastards! This is why I'm including this link in my blog today:

http://www.southflorida.com/events/sfl-scaredsanta,0,2245506.photogallery?index=1

Check it out. You'll see exactly why I can't stand Santa (or clowns for that matter0. Half of them look like murderers and my favorite is picture number 11, where Santa looks just as pissed as the kids! Tis the Season, BABY!!

So far, it's only irritating.

I can't control it any longer. I HAVE to rip her a new one.. whether she knows it or not (since she never will) and whether anyone reading this cares.. it MUST be done. For those of you who figure out who this is pertaining to, please realize that I'm ranting and I don't hate her, I just need to let it out.

So.. Okay. JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF PEOPLE FOR 4 DAYS OUT OF THE YEAR.. YOU ARE NOT THE END ALL BE ALL IN CHARGE OF EVERYTHING YOU EVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH!!! People ARE quite capable of functioning without you and your over-the-top-take-them-or-get-the-hell-out opinions. Not everyone enjoys being yelled at and degraded in front of other people. Not everyone wants to BE you or be WITH you. And.. YOU ARE NOT PRETTY!! YOU ARE NOT SKINNY ENOUGH TO WEAR LEGGINGS.. GET OVER THEM!!!

If I come over one more time, and have to listen to her flirt with or hang all over you-know-who, KNOWING that she ripped his heart out and smashed it through his windshield, I'M GOING TO SCREAM!! Just because he was all about you at some point, doesn't mean he still is. Doesn't mean you have license to take advantage of him or try to guilt him into doing things that he doesn't want to do. If you want to go to Wal-Mart, GO! He doesn't have to go with you! If you're going to have a party he doesn't HAVE to be there. Believe it or not, he may actually have more important things to do (*gasp* more important than you?!)

Okay.. I'm calm. I'm relaxed.. I'm feeling better. *whew*

I know it's pretty obvious who I'm talking about BUT it had to be said. I mean, if I can't go off about someone in my own blog, where can I? So yeah.. She's got great qualities, just not from my status at this point in time. From where I sit, things are much worse than they really would be to anyone else. Understandably so, given my friendship with a certain someone. HOWEVER.. HE doesn't know that I think these things.. He knows she irritates me for a lot of the same reasons Sarah does. That's it. I don't want to say bad things about her, cause she really isn't a bad person, and there are plenty of things that I like about her. From my current position in someone's life, I have serious issues with her.

K. Done. I'm out. LATE!

The End of and Era

It's the end of an era. An extremely SHORT era, but an era nonetheless. Things have settled down. I know I've said it before, but the results of my efforts have so immensely paid off that I have to say it again. I'm so proud of myself. An extremely conceited thing to say admittedly. This week I've gone to the gym (or walked at home) regularly. I've disposed of the excess drama in my life and so far I haven't really missed them. I've been spending more time with the people who love me and support me. No strings attached. The numbers are smaller, but the reward is indescribable.

I think my relationship with J is changing. Still, it is what it is. It's the best way to describe it. I've never been in a friendship quite like this. I think the best way to describe it is that we're SO content being friends that we don't wonder or worry or push anything. It never has to be discussed. It just flows. We understand each other without really having to vocalize, but when vocalization is what is needed, it's crystal clear with no embarrassment or fear or pain. Said and done. It's very relaxing. Both of us have been pained in some way, and neither of us is willing to let it happen again. Rushing into ANY kind of relationship (whether it be friends or more) is not something that either of us is interested in. We simply enjoy each others' company and feel relaxed and understood. What more can you ask from a friend? It's so comfortable. I've just never been this at ease with anyone before. It's strange. My head tells me that I should be waiting for it all to come crashing down, but I can't find that fear anywhere. It doesn't exist. I'm sure this doesn't make a lot of sense, and I avoid writing things like this (so specifically about someone who some of you know) especially since he doesn't know that I'm writing this blog in the first place. He's just an incredible person and the best friend anyone could hope to have and I feel exceedingly lucky to have him. And I need to give him credit for it.


So the era that has come and go was the crazy era. The time when I explored and found out what was there and what my options were. I've narrowed down my surroundings to the things that are the MOST important to me and the focus has helped me become more functional. On to the grown up Melody. The Melody who knows who she is and what she wants. And has the nerve and the will to get it!

Damn it, Rob!!

Hey. My name is Melody, and I have an addiction. *sigh*

I'm addicted to a story with no name (at least not one that I'm aware of). I'm thinking about it and wondering what is gonna happen next. Thinking about what I would do in the situations that Sarah Juneau and Peter Novicki find themselves in. I think about how I feel like I can relate to Peter quite a bit. I feel so dumb. I mean, I suppose this is why people read. Why people love superheroes so much. Why people love books and stories so much. I've just never actually known the person who is thinking it all up. It's somewhat surreal. I have SO many friends who are into comics and I want to take it to them all and tell them to sit down and read it so we can talk about it. It makes me think that it's kind of a strange thing, emotion. I mean.. We have opinions and feelings about things that you aren't directly involved with. Like how you can hate someone you've never met (or maybe that doesn't even actually exist) just cause of your emotions. I'm sure this is a very random, pathetic thing to consider in depth but.. it's intriguing. I SO need to go back to psychology. Anyways. if you haven't already, go read it. The link is on the port side of this blog. Start at the beginning and read thru to 11.2 (so far). Let me know what you think, and definitley let Rob know what you think. I want to write about how I feel about the characters, but I don't want to give anything away..

So, friends with benefits time is over. Which is okay, cause it wasn't really a very regular thing anyways. And I'd rather have the benefit of being with someone who wants a relationship (THAT kind of relationship). Kisses are great, but empty ones, not so much. There is emotion there, but not the kissing kind of emotion. If he feels something more than just friends, he'll have to pursue it the right way.

Meanwhile, I'm getting my list of lounge music together. The Christmas songs are great, cause a lot of them are done by Frank Sinatra, and he's the perfect role model for what I want to do. Gimme a few suggestions if you find something loungy in the alto/tenor range that you think could be sexy if it were done right. I'm working out again getting ready. I need to have some stuff for June too. I figure there's no reason why I can't be singing and flirting and flaunting my super hot body during fair (cause mark my words. It WILL be by then.. If it KILLS ME!)

Bueno.. Tomorrow I have to change Parker's water and make sure Gusser is getting enough moisture.. DON"T LEMME FORGET!! Love you all!

THE GREATEST WEEKEND EVER!!

Okay.. as you know, Jason proposed to Jamie on Wednesday. Freaking Sweet! BUT.. I have to update you on the happenings since my last blog. Goodness covered in chocolate and topped off with Christian Bale ensued (okay.. so I was making the Christian thing up, but HEY.. Don't smash a girls dreams).

Thursday evening, I was SUPPOSED to go play Gears of War with J. He got caught up in other things so I waited and waited, biding my time by chatting with quite possibly the sexiest man I know. I'd hoped to borrow a movie, and (we'll call him Beast) kindly offered to loan me his copy of the movie. Thinking that J was busy (although WAY closer) and I don't get to see Beast all that often, I decided to go pay him a visit. About 20 mins of chatting and one picture later, I was off to watch the Steve Carrell filled goodness that IS 40 Year Old Virgin.

So at 2:30 am, when I decided that I wouldn't be able to pull the all nighter I'd been planning (my mom, future sister-in-law, and I were to go combat shopping at 4am). I heard my mom getting sick (proof that too much of a good thing is still too much) and got to sleep in. We got to the stores too late for any of the fabulous deals, but had fun nonetheless. Afterward a haircut and some down time with Brielle, we decided to go get a few Christmas gifts. J calls and decides that he wanted to visit a store he hadn't been to in a while, so we met him at the mall, then went to dinner, then I was invited over for some Gears of War (FINALLY).

Saturday, after I got up, went home and grabbed my parents for bagels (Bagel Factory is good.. so you know), and hit the grocery store, I went back to J's for a LOTR marathon. Noon to 11:30pm is a LOT OF MOVIE!! Then of course, I HAD to watch Sin City on top of it. So once again, I ended up crashing there. We got up, hit the Peanut Farm with my parent's (Raven's vs Steelers=TOTAL INTERNAL CONFLICT), then went shopping, and then off to see the new Tenacious D flick which was VERY GOOD!!

So, the moral of the story is, Spending time with a cute guy (and a sexy one too) is fun. That's all. Lots of new movies, lots of rest and laziness.. All the best ingredients for a fabulous weekend.. YAY for Beast and J!!!

Things being what they are..

Nothing really major having happened.. I figure it's good to write a grounded, no drama blog every once in a while about whatever I decide to write. Let's see.. What's worth saying. So I guess first of all, Happy Thanksgiving. I'm grateful for my friends and family. My car, my computer, my job, Parker (my fish) and Gus (my turtle), my divorce being final, my super comfy bed with the Spiderman blanket, Spiderman (the thought that someone could be so human and so incredibly driven at the same time AND have a sense of humor is almost too much to handle), the gym, Starbucks, anime, professional organizers, shopping, Old Navy (the only place in Anchorage to get cute plus size clothing), and pictures. There are lots of other things but these are at the top of the list. There are some people that I'm particularly thankful for, but the list would be fairly long, and mostly consist of family anyways so I won't go there. But you know who you are. I love my mom. She's so giving and funny and supportive to a fault. She loves my friends and loves me and Brielle (I mean really, who doesn't right?) and she puts up with a LOT from me. She's my best friend and I hope I can be HALF the mom to Brielle that she is to me (and now, of course, I'm crying)..

I feel so much more free lately. Free from stress (cause I just decided to get rid of it), free from too much emotion (cause once again.. no reason to deal with too much of anything), free from clouded thought and apprehension. There is a clarity of purpose now that is validating and gratifying. I know what I want and I'm able to think in terms of those things. I suppose the bottom line is that I've decided to be happy. I've decided to do what's best for me and Brielle. And the results thus far have justified the path. So, I have a 4 day weekend. Today, we've had a few friends over. Jake and his mom came over for a couple hours for breakfast. Zach, Jamie, and the boys (Jason proposed to Jamie last night btw.. of course, he waited till AFTER I left.. jerk) came over. Zach had to go to his families house, but Brielle loved seeing her Zachy. Patrick will be over sometime later, as will G.G.. I have no real plans to go anywhere else, but I'm thinking the traditional movie would be fun, and maybe some Gears of War later with Jake. Killing things is always great stress reflection. Tomorrow morning Brielle, my mom, Jamie (and maybe Fran) and I are going shopping. Good times! I'm so excited. I love to hit the sales just to see the crowds. I won't be shopping.. I have Jake, Dad, and Brielle done for Christmas, and Frank's bday gift done, but still have a few more items to get. I have an idea of what to get Patrick and Frank, and Sarah's gift depends on what happens from now till then. And I know.. I don't HAVE to get anything for anyone, but Christmas GIVING is much better than getting, so leave me alone. Other than that, I'm not sure what I'm doing Sat and Sunday. I might go to the Peanut Farm again for football, but that depends. Most importantly I'm sleeping in and spending time doing things that will help me hit my goals.

Bueno.. I've rambled long enough. Jamie and I are gonna get this wedding planned and I'm SO excited. She's the greatest (almost) sister-in-law that I could have ever asked for, and Jason deserves someone who loves him as much as we do. She's making him almost tolerable (ALMOST)!! ;) Luv ya bud!! I love you all and remember you're all on my list of people I'm thankful for, or I wouldn't be letting you read this!! See ya'll on the flip side!

Resolutions may come and resolutions may go..

But my mission statement stays eternal! Lately, I've felt empowered. I've decided that I need to focus on me. Focus on who and what I actually need in my life, the directions I want to take, and the things I want to accomplish. So I suppose I'll list them here, since I need to make a list anyways. Then you all can hold me to them.

So I suppose the goals:
-become a lounge singer
*lose weight
*start making a list of songs and recording them
*check out the local scene for possible opportunities
-get to my goal weight of 175
*gym daily
*water daily
*try cooking for the week, all in one day
-work for myself
*hold 2 or more passion parties per week
*sell over $1000.00 in product per month
*prioritize spending
-travel as often as I choose

So yeah. Everything that doesn't fall into these categories gets put aside for now. I have to go in a direction and accomplish things that will be fulfilling to me. When there is no one else, I will always have myself. And that is who needs to be priority for me right now (aside, of course, from Brielle). It's a very liberating thing to feel focused (finally). Good times!

To flirt, or not to flirt..

So apparently, I've gotten pretty good at flirting. Good enough to make someone uncomfortable. Which, considering the person, is relative. So, when i think someone is cute, I flirt, but when I'm comfortable with them as a friend, I flirt even more, cause there's no pressure or stress. Does that make sense? Being one of the guys apparently means that I'm not allowed to flirt or act like a girl at all. Give up being a girl? I don't think so chump! So instead, I'm sitting here for the third night in a row, cause Tom thinks I'm obsessed with him.

You know what hun. You're cute, but you're not THAT damn cute. You're very good at Guitar Hero, but it's a talent that won't make a relationship work. You're too young, too angry, too irritable, and too manic for me. Jeffrey is cute too, but that doesn't mean I want to sleep with him. If you can't take it, I suggest you put your serving utensils away. No one likes to be told to do what you SAY and not what you DO.. And just cause other people say things, doesn't make them true. Ask Jake and Sarah! ERG!

Oh, and for the record, avoiding your problems won't solve them. You just run the risk of estranging a friend so long, that they aren't your friend anymore..

Letting it all go...

I have felt a comforting sense of peace lately. After lasts weeks stress (topped off by some over reacting), I have been able to put the brakes on my life and get control again. Things seem so clear now that I can't believe I was ever confused or clouded.

So, What it all really comes down to is someone is lying. Really, what about or who it is for sure doesn't matter. But her lying is much worse. As a best friend, she fails miserably, but she's a great ally. I just think she's very confused and needs someone to obsess over her, but not roll over for her. When she had it, she didn't know she needed it, and gave it up. I can't let her get too close now. She's changed. I can't let her tell me things that I know aren't true. At this point, she's the one who I should be wary of. When it comes right down to it, she needs to be wanted and the center of attention (whether she knows it or not). She's going to go out of her way to make sure that Jems likes her, regardless of me or my feelings. Whether he likes her or not, is irrelevent since we are not together, so her telling me that he is lying is irrelevent. It may serve to hurt my feelings, but I trust him more than her, so I choose to believe him. It IS possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, and NOT want to be WITH them. She's just so used to everyone wanting her, that she doesn't know what to do when someone doesn't. Bottom line, I was told that she wouldn't want to be my friend when I hit my weight goal, cause there is no way anyone would be able to focus on her, with me around. I would be too hot (a super great compliment and motivation, btw). Well, apparently, all I needed was a little confidence and she already can't handle it. I'm more focused on being a friend first, which makes me closer to all our guy friends.

ANYWAYS! I've started as a Passion Party Consultant. SO much fun! I'm trying to book as many shows as humanly possible cause I really want to make some extra money for the holidays. I have a birthday party or two to try to plan (yes, yours included.. you know who you are), and some fabulous gifting ideas that will cost a pretty penny, but be completely worth it.

I'm trying to work out as much as possible to hit my goal by June, and being more responsible to my parents. They are giving SO much to Brielle and I afterall. My priorities seem to be in order. I know who to trust, and who to befriend. I'm enjoying my friends and my crushes (Pat calls it a list, but there aren't that many actually). So yeah, life is good and I'm excited again to be here floating along, singing a song. Which reminds me. I'm thinking I'm going to record some loungy kinda songs.. Just for fun. Yee Haw!

Oh.. And I have to mention this great story that really needs to be read by everyone. It's a work in progress, so make sure you check back frequently. The guy who writes it (Rob) is a very talented guy. Musician, Podcaster (make sure to check out that link too), Writer, Tribe Moderator, Father, Husband.. All around great guy (Don't let you head get too big there, Chief! ;) ) But yeah.. If you like superheroes and great writing, definitely check it out..

Also, anyone who knows and loves (or at least likes) my brothers, definitely should think about coming to their birthday party on Wednesday (cause you know you don't have to work on Thursday). It's at 6pm, email me or comment me if you want directions. It's gonna be fun!

1 point 5

Remember the game 'telephone' that you play in elementary school? Yeah.. Apparently it works on adults also. 'Nuff said!

Poor Little Bastard.....

Now, it may not come as a surprise that I've rolled over and taken a few for the team before. It may not come as a surprise that I've had my heart broken a few times (who hasn't, right?).

But honey, when you piss me off.. WATCH OUT! Apparently a certain SOMEONE decided that it would useful, and beneficial for him to try to use Sarah's and my problems to turn us against each other. Jems.. what the HELL were you thinking? Do you not realize that no matter how much your best friend pisses you off, they're still your BEST friend? No matter how irritated you get with each other, or how often you SWEAR you're done with each other, you're still BEST friends?? Did you not think we would figure it out sooner or later? Did you not think we would rectify the situation and become the vindictive little bitches that we are so capable of becoming? Wow, did you step deep into it this time?!

But, do you think we're gonna tell you? Oh no Sweetheart.. We're gonna play you! We're gonna play you like you're 80's Trivial Pursuit! You think I'm too sweet? Too emotional? Too "high school"? You're 31 years old, living with your ex, playing video games with your 22 year old friends, unable to make time for yourself and instead throwing yourself into more work than you can handle, complaining to everyone about everyone.. See, high school gets you ready for real life in a lot of different ways. It is a preparation for the social, employment, emotional, physical things that you'll be dealing with. So yeah.. I guess I do have a little bit of high school drama going on. But I know what is important to me, and if my caring too much about people means I'm acting like I'm in high school, then by all means, book me Dano, cause I'm guilty!

You will NEVER end up with her. No matter how soon her relationship with him ends. She's mine, dumbass. You're gonna be SO sad when you realize that you can't win. When you realize that you gave up the best thing that ever happened to you on a technicality. And when it's gone, it's gone. And you'll miss it SO much!! Cause you'll be looking right at it in all it's glory, and it'll call to you. But you'll never know. So sad.. Poor Jems!

Lonely

Being lonely sucks. I've had the most stressful week of my life (or thereabouts). I went dancing and had a lot of fun (even though the bar we went to kinda sucked), but here I am. On a Saturday night for the first time in 5 weeks, alone. The one week that I actually NEED to talk to someone. NEED to be held and comforted.. nothing. Why does work become so important that people can't see past their noses? Why can't they understand that getting ahead, doesn't necessarily mean working constantly? Money and power aren't the only things. Sometimes I wish that's what I thought, cause then things wouldn't seem so important or so painful. If THAT was the only thing I had to worry about, I'd be good to go. I dunno. Kinda seems like it's being bottled up and put into work. Not healthy, and most of all, for me at least, not making me any less stressed, sad, depressed, hurt, etc.

Sobbing is an uncomfortable way to fall asleep. But being alone while sobbing is almost unbearable.

The pic is me in Hawaii about 7 years ago. Nothing whatsoever to do with my entry!!

I'm not exactly sober as I write this, so bear (?) with me as I may write a little more off than usual. So. Today I worked (if you can really call it that) then watched some Utena with Brielle. I must say, I'm really into this anime. I'm a little worried though, cause my favorite character is the one who is obsessed with her big brother. Strange little tidbit there. Moving on. We hung out, then I went to get Jeffrey and we ate, then hit Patrick's bar. Well.. I mean, realistically, I suppose it's not HIS bar, but he's the bartender, so that's good enough for me. I tried some crazy drinks. I really liked the cartwheel though.. bitter and sweet with lemon.. Mmm.. Anyway.. Then Nico and Tami called and wanted to go out, so I asked to come home. I'm tired, and I have that Passion Party tomorrow afternoon. It's gonna be SO much fun! I'm super pumped.. There should even be a few guys there. Good times! Yeah. But I haven't written for a couple days, so I thought I should.

Jeff has calmed down. Finally. He's realizing there isn't anything he can do about anything. Heheh.. Yes, I AM evil. Thanks for noticing! Crystal has been completely cut off. I mean. She says she didn't have the address to the blog, but I don't care. I like knowing who my audience is anyways. She said she thought I needed to understand what she said and why. I told her that I didn't need to understand anything having to do with her. As long as Jeff and I know what is going on and can deal with things having to do with Brielle, no matter what the difference of opinion personally, no one else mattered. That I didn't hate her, but I was done with her. Period. So there..
Meanwhile, Jason got in today from Cali, but was SUPER tired, so he crashed. I would have gone to Tom's for some Guitar Hero 2 (highly recommended btw.. Bass.. Yeah.. it rocks!), but I'm just feeling like sleeping this headache off would be FABULOUS!! So yeah. That's it I think. Just gonna say hello to all the hotties out there (you know who you are) and go to sleep so I can continue my fabulous dreamage. Oh.. and I have a great pic of SOMEONE on my desktop. Very photogenic, VERY chic ;)
Love you alls! Hope my blog wasn't too unbearable.. I'm sure I'll read it tomorrow and be mortified.. for right now.. I'm typing with my eyes closed as I pass out. G'NIGHT!!!

We spit in your general direction!!

So, I decided to use invites for this blog. I didn't think I would have to, but I've recently learned that I do. Someone who I trusted gave info to Jeff and I'm sure he was reading this. The other thing is that there are people/things that I'd like to talk about, that I wasn't able to because of who had access. Now I know exactly who I'm potentially writing to, and I can't write whatever I want.

SO. First of all. Let me thank you all for being such wonderful friends. You all mean a LOT to me. I'm learning that trust is a very easy thing to give, but not a very easy thing to depend on. Does that make sense? Okay. It's easy to trust someone (well, was), but I'm finding that more often than not, that trust is broken. What is has done is make me want to be more trustworthy and a better friend/person. People that I've known for years have turned around in moments and turned into the worst possible versions of themselves (in my opinion). Crystal and DeSean are the two people that I'm talking about obviously.


It really irritates me that Jeff seems to think he has enough info to take Brielle away from me. In fact, I have done nothing that he could possible use to prove me irresponsible. I'm sure Crystal gave him the address to this and he printed all of my blog up to show a judge, were he to decide to do so. Not that anything that I've said has in any ways warranted her being taken from me, but Jeff seems to think so. According to him I'm a horrible person with no morals. According to any judge, I've done nothing out of the ordinary for a 27 year old. Nice try chief!!

Well. Enough whining. I was told recently that whining is NOT cute, so I'd better stop, cause we all know just how damn cute I am!! ;) Night!!

<----------Check out the list of links!!

So that all involved are informed, I added a few links to some fabulous blogs (the people are okay too!) Make sure you check them out... Good times!!

In the meantime, stay tuned for more rantings!

Intrigue

I'm intrigued. Isn't it crazy how you think you know someone? I mean, I thought certain people would react to things certain ways, and recently I've been proven wrong on nearly every account. I think I can trust someone, and I can't. I think someone will be supportive, and they aren't. I think someone will be furious, and the opposite happens. I think someone will show affection, and nothing. I don't expect someone to show affection, and unsolicited amounts are forced onto me.

So my question to everyone is, how do you know when you know someone? How do you know when you can trust them? How do you know when you understand them, or empathize, or comprehend their meanings? What signs are given? And maybe more importantly, how do you know when you know yourself? How do you know when you are who you really are? When you are at your core and able to continue doing so until others are allowed to really know you?

Strange things have been happening, and on some fronts I'm ecstatic, but others are irritating, offensive, and sickening. I can only hope that I'll learn the difference between how people acted, and how they do/will act. I'm obviously a little more out of touch than I thought I was, but the one thing I'm not out of touch with, is the one thing that I can depend on to get me through the rest of it all!

Last Night

Was SO much fun! Thanks to everyone who came out with me. I was lovin it! There was a little drama there for a minute, but a round of drinks quickly cleared that up. Surprised the hell outta me too. It started off with Adam and I going bowling. Then I called Becky to have her join us, and before you knew it, we were off and running. I called DeSean who walked in the freezing cold to hang out with us. Kimbo couldn't make it, but such is life. I bowled for the first time since the surgery, and I have to say, I did VERY well. The adjustment was a quick one (just moving a little to the right), but the focus is a little off. A problem I should be able to resolve in a timely manner. It was great to be bowling again for sure. I beat Adam the first game, then he beat me the second (I was gossiping with Becky, so I was a little distracted). When DeSean got there, we decided to take off for drinks. We ended up going to the Cabin Tavern. A very cute little place, but no food (I HAD been planning on going to Friday's for apps, but got bailed on.. sniff). I invited Patrick and Dannielle, who both ended up coming, but Becky and Dannielle missed each other by two mins. Jake showed which I was completely unprepared for. He just wanted to congratulate me, then lecture me. But he bought a round for everyone since he was completely distracting me and was getting some glares. Becky took off all of a sudden when he got there. Becky and Jake are a kinda volitile combination. They both like each other as people, but not when it comes to me. Which I feel bad about, but I can't really do anything about, cause it's what they've said to each other that causes their judgements. After he left, I went to get some food in me, so I didn't get sick, then DeSean and I did an Irish Car Bomb (and I kicked his ass). So.. Anyways. I had a good time, and it was great to see so many people from Jr/High school. Lotta good memories, and good times. I feel so much more comfortable with people and with myself. I can't believe I ever let Jeff happen to me. But, such is life and I'm learning what lessons I need to, and moving on!

An Update from the Desk of...

You know.. Everytime I begin posting something, I start by writing "So.." then I realize that I say it all the time, so I change it to "Okay", but that's no better. Just a random thought.

ANYWAYS!! Since I haven't written in a couple days I guess I'd better catch myself up. I decided that I'm not as interested in "him" as I thought I was. I realized yesterday that he's seeing someone else, and I'm not jealous, so that I guess tells me something. I can get affection from him without BEING with him. And really, wasn't waiting for someone what got me into my (finally over with) marriage in the first place? So yeah. I'll just keep on keepin on, and have fun, accomplish what I want/need to, and if someone comes along and sweeps me off my feet in the meantime, great. Otherwise, Mr. Right will have to find me, cause I'm not Indiana Jones. I'm not gonna go hunting for my treasure!

In other news, I'm going back to my maiden name. I wasn't going to, cause I thought it would be easier with Brielle, and I kinda feel like I'm abandoning her, but if I end up remarrying anyways, my name will change, so I might as well NOT keep the name association. I would MUCH rather be associated with my family, and no reminder of all that. I waited so long to be a Brown.. But I love my family, and so yeah.. good times!

I went to the gym with Brielle and Patrick yesterday. It was cool to be able to take her to the daycare and let her play. I felt kinda guilty for dropping her off at ANOTHER daycare, but then I realized that this could get her in the habit of coming to the gym regularly, and get her out of the house and playing with other kids. And that is NOT a bad thing! SO, I'm not feelin so bad anymore.. Now I kinda feel more like I owe it to her and I'd be a badish mommy if I didn't. It's exciting to be losing inches and seeing a difference in myself and the reactions around me.I know it has more to do with my confidence, but still, makes me feel great!

SO.. Now that everything is final and over with, I'm super excited to see what the future holds. Things are looking up, finally, and I fully intend to take advantage of my freedom! Viva la vida Melodia!!

F#$% Them ALL!!

OMG.. I wanna scream until I either pass out of bleed from the throat!!!

What the HELL is wrong with people? Why can't he learn to LEAVE THINGS ALONE? Why can't she learn to SHUT HER DAMN MOUTH? Why can't he learn to OPEN UP? ERG!! I just wanna strangle something. It's making me think things I shouldn't. I want to not talk to him again until he can make up his mind. I want to kick him in the ass until he bruises and can't sit, so that everytime his legs start to ache from standing, he thinks of what a bitch I can be! I want to tie her hair to a tree branch and let her hang there, in agony. Maybe with ticks crawling all over her and her hands tied above her head so the blood drains away and she's looks horrid! ERG! I want to go make out with every guy I see until I find one who kisses so well, that all my worries just drain away and I haven't any cares left that haven't left my lips for his.

I don't want to waste myself on these people. I want to be who I am, and have a cast of supporters who actually know what it means to SUPPORT!! ERG! Now he'll never talk to me again, and the next time he does, he'll be yelling. I don't want to ever talk to her again.. she's selfish and childish. And I don't want to be high maintanence, but I think I deserve to be for a while.

Idiots. I'm surrounded by idiots!

Catching up with my crazy life.

Okay.. I haven't written in a bit, and I feel like I'm not getting out what I need to. So here we go. Those of you who are in the know about stuff lately, might find this a little repetitive. Those of you who aren't, well, I hope you aren't offended or appalled by what I'm about to say.

So, first things first. I'm feeling a lot more confident about myself lately. I can see a difference in the way my clothes look, and the way I carry myself. It feels great. I've also noticed an influx of attention coming my way. Solicited or not, it's welcome. For the most part. There is one guy who is trying very hard to push me into things that I'm not ready for. I'm NOT promiscuous. I'm not a quick mover. I need to know people and be friends with them, and trust them, before anything happens.

I've come to the conclusion through this OVER abundance of attention from this particular person, that I'm not at all uncomfortable with the idea of friends with benefits as a primary source of comfort and affection. If I'm not necessarily looking to commit, what could possibly be wrong with it? Other than, of course, the possibility of screwing up the friendship. I think two responsible adults can take care of that with some open, honest communication. Another thing which has come in handy lately for me. I mean, obviously I try not to lie, but I usually don't "spit it out". Usually I hold back and worry. Wonder what they'll think of me, or what they'll think/say about the situation. Not so lately. I'm trying to be very forward and courageous in my dealings. Something that has come to be a joy, regardless of outcome.

There are still a few people that I'm interested in. I created a D&D character today who has a skill that I used several times already (in one session of play). It's called sense motive. Coupled with Interrogate, it's a very powerful tool. I wish I had it in real life. I'm SO bad at reading people, that I often worry about things that are completely irrelevant regarding the situation. Like, making something from nothing. No always a good thing. I don't want to assume things, but people like a little initiative sometimes.. NOT great for me. But when I have the confidence, I see people reacting positively. Good times! Now I just hafta go out there and let the cute guys have it!

So, I'm way to excited to talk about his miserable stuff much longer. A friend reminded me a few days ago, that Thursday is an EXTREMELY important day for me! The divorce is final! I'm SO happy! It opens up all kinds of doors for me. Gives me the opportunity to make my own decisions without fear of what others will think/say/do in turn. I am clear of all commitments, no matter how trivial at this point. And what I do, won't be compared to what he did. Cause it won't matter!! YAY! I find myself wondering if anything will actually change because of this though. I mean, there are a few relationships that I have with friends and "friends" that may or may not be dependent on the status of the divorce. The thing is, I don't know for sure IF there is anything waiting for me. But I know that all doors will open, and IF there are things yet to be explained, endured, enforced, or experienced after Thursday, I'll be ready (I hope)!

I'm a little self conscious still, and a little nervous/shy about things though. I'm intimidated by the vast possibilities ahead of me after Thursday (which also happens to be our 6th anniversary.. ironic, eh??) I know that my standards are much higher, and I tend to be much more modest in my dealings with men than is the standard, and I often worry that it makes me less desirable. I try to not feel like my weight is an issue, but with the comments made regarding that by my (soon to be) ex, I can't help but worry/wonder. I do know that anything that I do to fix that problem, will only continue to make me more confident, and less vulnerable to people like Mr Pushy!

Life is good! And I have nothing but excessive giddiness about what Thursday, Nov. 2nd will open up for me!

Foreign Ideas

Okay.. I'm realizing that I have a lot of things to learn about this big wide world. I'm constantly (it seems) being introduced to new ideas or at least having to think about things that I hadn't considered before. It's unnerving and little overwhelming. I'm so glad for friends who are so open and helpful. I feel like I'm having to actually think about things for myself. Actually, that's exactly what I'm doing. The more I learn, the more I have to consider. I'm nervous about these decisions though. I don't want to get myself into any kind of situation, from which I can't get out. I don't want people to get the wrong impression, to expect things from me that I'm not willing to give, to rush me into things. And I'm so glad that I have friends who don't hold my naivety
against me and aren't judgemental. Yet another reason why I'm so grateful for my friends.. All of them!

I'm Evil.. sniff..

What have I become? I know now exactly what I want, and I feel the urge to go out and get only it. I'm feeling like I don't want any distractions or drama getting inbetween me and my ideals. I'm feeling much more confident and bold. Although, admittedly, I have a long way to go before I've expanded my comfort zone to a workable level.

Last night I met the guy who asked me out. He came on SO strong that I was very intimidated. I'm uncomfortable moving too quickly (unless I know the person already and trust them). I'm not the sort of person to kiss on the first date, let alone anything else. However, under the right circumstances (the right person) I would be willing to. I guess my point is that I was intimidated (which is why I said that first.. duh). It finally opened my eyes to exactly what I want though.

I won't date someone who wants a committment UNLESS I can see myself with them for the long haul. No point in dating someone you can't see yourself with. I will date someone who just wants to date (not necessarily exclusively) as long as I am comfortable with them. Getting to know someone and being friends first is always important to me. I need to trust people. Understanding that there won't be a committment and both parties agreeing to it is fine. One person wanting more than the other, maybe not so much..

I hope I make sense, although, I guess as long as it makes sense in my head, it doesn't really matter!!

Why? Because we like you!!

YAY!! Super cute guy flirting with me out of NOWHERE!! Okay.. Lemme back up a little and explain.

Of course. I have some SERIOUS interests. I'm not blind. Duh. But, I'm not going to waste my time waiting around for even the sexiest of guys to flirt with me, or spend time with me, or be interested in something.

Now, granted, the divorce isn't final until next week, BUT that doesn't mean that I can't flirt. And when it comes right down to it, the marriage is long since over. It just feels really good to be able to enjoy and accept attention, especially when unsolicited. Feels very good! Especially since I'm still working on the weight thing (so far I've lost 10 lbs and quite a few inches). I can feel my body changing, which is awesome! And to be getting attention is super motivating! But I'm also motivated to love myself NOW, rather than waiting! I mean, I don't think I'm ugly or too extremely annoying or irritating. I'm a little ditzy and a little goofy/geeky, but everyone has their things. Mine is bubbly I guess. But since the surgery and the divorce, I'm feeling like I really want to be comfortable with myself and actually BE myself all the time and NOT change for anyone/anything. I need to be who I want to be, and perfect it, but love myself the whole time! Yeah.. It's a mouthful!

GO ME! I ROCK! ;)

Courage is so very under rated!

So, what is it when you are scared to death to hug someone, but you're okay with other, more forward, things? What the hell is that? Why is it, that I can't talk to the people that I really like? I'm fine online or while writing, but in person? Are you kidding me? I turn into the worlds largest chicken! I mess my words up, I can't spit things out, I end up sounding like a freakin dee dee dee! ERG! I wanna know WHY I can't be forward. Try to take what I want. Initiate things. Good grief! No one is gonna sit there and wait forever. If I don't do it, will I miss something? I can't read minds, but MAN I wish I could! Frustration is the word for the day. Complete nonsense and utter foolishness. And. In asking the question. I completely mad a fool of myself. If there's no reason to ever be embarrassed, then why do I almost always feel embarrassed? What is that all about?

I suppose the globe will keep spinning, and tomorrow will come. . But I just wish I could figure out how to be the person I want to be. How be the outgoing and brave and confident. Any suggestions?

I guess I didn't realize it was possible to be "trying too hard to take care of everyone". Okay.. I asked if I had an attitude (since everyone around me has had one lately, I figured it must be ME with the attitude, and not them) and yeah.. I was told that I did have an attitude lately and that I was trying to hard. I was worried cause I've had a lot going thru my head lately, so I asked him to clarify. He said I was trying to make sure everyone was okay, and that I should just relax.

Since when is making sure everyone is taken care of a form of attitude. Sigh. Oh well. At least my friend likes my other friend, so that's good. They're so cute when they talk. Yeah.. good times. I hope it works out.. They so deserve to be happy. Anyways.. So yeah.. Okay.. I'm not officially out of things to say, cause it was a slow day. Oh, but Brielle LOVES Tom. AND she is almost completely potty trained all by herself in a week! YAY!! K.. I'm done now!

Are you sure you know who you are??

I love spending time with friends whom I haven't seen in a while. It feels great to catch up and hear about their adventures, and wonder at how much of them I've missed (that's before the guilt of course). So, last night when I FINALLY had the chance to spend time with a friend that I've been missing a lot, I was a little confused. Granted, I was told yesterday that I get confused easily (I act confused a lot more than I actually am, mind you), but I'm wondering why he sat there drinking a beer, telling me about his "experiences" and at the same time preaching to me about how I'm going to want to go back to church someday.

Couple problems with this. I love him. He's been an incredible friend for forever, but he's also been inactive forever too. He's done more in the last 3 years, than I will in my adventures guaranteed! Why is it that he feels that telling me he's been in my position (which he hasn't) and that he knows exactly what I'm feeling (which he doesn't), is gonna make me listen to him anymore than anyone else? I guess my point is that I appreciate the decision he's made. I understand why he's done it (for a girl when it comes right down to it). But until he can NOT drink in front of me, and talk about all the girls he's been with, what is he thinking? His mouth was just as foul as mine. His habits are just as bad as mine. Except that he sits in a suit playing organ 3 hours each Sunday, and I don't! Bah!

I have to say that he's a great guy, and I loved the fact that after so long we could just pick up, catch up, and move on like no time had gone by at all! I still don't care for the raspberry beer at Bear/Mooses Tooth though.. Sorry fellas!! ;)

Okay.. NOW I'm irritated.

Okay.. It looks like I spoke too soon. First of all, if you are in a bad mood, don't freaking take it out on people who have nothing to do with it. If you're frustrated with something, TAKE IT OUT ON THE SOMETHING, NOT someone ELSE. SO immature. Secondly, be consistent. If you're going to flirt and play along, DON'T turn around and threated to kick someone out, cause they're trying to make stupid jokes to try to cheer you up. Bad move. The thing is, if you're worried about how you look in front of other people, maybe you should take care of what you're doing to cause the image problem, INSTEAD of putting other people around you down. Hmm.. There's a novel idea!!

Now. If you DON'T want to talk to someone. If you DON'T want to be around someone. If you DON'T want to be WITH someone.. FREAKING SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Don't just deal with it to make the other person feel better, cause I guarantee, they're gonna feel like an ass when they find out. And then YOU'LL look like an ass for bringing out the emo monster in them. Roar!

All I'm saying is, I'm sorry I'm so excited. I'm sorry I'm a ditz at times. I'm sorry I get carried away. But it does NOT mean that I'm stupid or worthless or deserving of taking your CRAP, cause you figure I'll just get over it.. If I don't I'm proving that you're right, right? Whatever. You go ahead and be the big man, and see what happens when you don't have you're little b!tch there to take the attack.

Friends are Friends Forever!!

So, here I am. Hanging out with the HOTTEST GUY EVER!! Talking to the OTHER hottest guy ever!! Waiting for the OTHER hottest guy ever! Whew.. Too many hottest guys ever for me! I'm getting overwhelmed.

So, I have to bitch about something, cause you know.. this is ME we're talking about. And I've decided that today I'm kinda irritated with airlines. You know, when you sell a ticket to ANCHORAGE, you should fly the freaking plane to, oh I don't know.. ANCHORAGE maybe?! ERG.. SO I missed the gym (cause I'm a tard, and can't go by myself) AND Friday's.. Stupid Alaskan Airlines.. Oh well..

K. Not much of a complaint really, cause life is good. But what the hell is up with my ex asking me on a date and all of a sudden complimenting me like I care anymore? Duh.. As if I'd want to go out for old time's sake, when old time's sake means manipulation and deceit? Whatever!!

And lemme just give a shout out to Frank, Jake, and Tom. For being three of the coolest guys ever!! Cause you know.. I have crushes on all of them (well, I'm technically stalking Frank, so I guess not really ALL three of them but yea!) Love you guys! You all ROCK! And if you ever stop being my friends, it'll be an unfillable void eternally! *winks*

Hi, My name is Melody, and I have a problem.

So, yeah.. My stomach and my chest have become well acquainted lately. There are certain things/people/experiences that make us all tingle or get excited. Seems in the last few months, these have been increasingly more frequent. No one person or thing really, but a few that definitely cause it more than others. A few that make this crazy flip floppy feeling occur fairly consistently. And you know what.. Thank you so much for that!! Cause it's great to get giddy and excited about something again.

I remember I used to get this feeling every time I was rounding the corner on the way to rehersal with Allegro. I know it was the anticipation of seeing Brian, but being on stage and being nervous does the same thing. Remembering things that I've seen that turned me on, or made me nervous, or turned out exactly the way I hoped for, seeing or preparing to see certain people.. All bring fantastic internal, physical feelings. I know this is widely known and nothing new to anyone, but not something that I've ever actually taken the time to appreciate.

I'm going out on a limb this weekend. I'm excited and nervous about it, but I know whatever happens, it'll be an experience that I can either take or leave for next time. I'm hoping to endure this stomach "problem" repeatedly as time goes by. I love the intensity. I love being able to think about something, and have the thought and the memory bring the feeling again. I suppose if I had to have a goal, I would say that (other than continuing weight loss), it would be to unveil more ways to flip flop my stomach or get butterflies. Maybe more karaoke is in order. Who knows. So, yeah.. pictures and images, and voice mails.. makes me wish I dreamt more often!

Honesty really IS the best policy!

So.. I'm feeling MUCH better!! I talked to him, and I know now where we are.. I'm not confused, I'm not embarrassed. I know what to do in case of emergency! Which is SO good for me. I don't mind just being friends and playing, as long as I know that's where we are. The possibility is there, but our friendship comes first. If that involves "being" together every once in a while, so be it. At least it's fun, and with someone I trust! If a relationship comes of it, that would be super fabulous. The bottom line is, I DO NOT WANT TO EMBARRASS MYSELF!!! Everything else is fine. I can act accordingly as long as I know what accordingly is!

In the meantime, if there is someone else that I decide I want to be with, the sky is the limit!!

Great. Now what?

So last night, I ended up staying over. I knew this was gonna happen, so I kinda prepared in a sort of "sneaky" way. I use the term sneaky loosely. The thing is, I love hanging out with him. And I love talking about nothing with him. The problem is that I don't want to look desperate to be around him, and I don't want to sufficate him. I don't think I am at this point. But that might all get a little harder not to do.. after this morning.

So, Events were set in motion, which led to my emotional fall. I've had my barriers up, just in case, and now I'm not so sure I can maintain them anymore. They're down and I'm vulnerable. It scares the hell out of me too. The thing is, I trust him completely. Nothing changed. The way he acted around me didn't change. Things didn't get awkward, he didn't try to avoid me.. I know him well enough to know that he HATES when people lead other people on. He doesn't like non-commital make outs. And even if he did, he wouldn't mess with my head or use me. And he definitely knows I have feelings for him. Everyone does.

So, is this my answer? Is this what I needed to "hear"? Do I go on not worrying about how he feels? He leaves tomorrow for work. I can't wait to see what'll happen next, but I have no choice. Slow things need to go slow. It's their nature. I just have to let nature take it's course.. and hopefully, it'll take the course I prefer.

Excitement, Confusion, Anxiety. OH MY!!

So, I'm realizing that the closer I get to the finality of my divorce, the more excited/anxious I am all at once. I find myself wondering how things will be when I'm once again single. Right now, flirting comes with a sort of security because I know that nothing will happen. Like in 'Return to Me' when Bonnie Hunt's character says, "Don't shave your legs, that way you won't let anything happen". At the same time, I'm excited at the possibilities. Does he like me? Is it my imagination that he's flirting with me? Does he really want me to do those things to him? Or is he just saying it because of that security blanket. How will our relationship change when I'm free? Am I even interested in him intimately? What about my attraction to the others? Do I even have the nerve to act on anything to begin with?

At the same time, I'm working as hard as I can on fixing my own personality quirks.. You know, the ones you wish you DIDN'T have?! I'm mastering things about myself that I've never liked, but can I do it without the help I've been given? I think my support is strong enough to continue making progress, but at some point, I need to support myself. I'm SO infinitely grateful to those who have helped though.

I realize that no one (well, maybe one person) knows what I'm talking about. But that's what I love about my friends and my family. I have true friends who are honest, and love me no matter what crazy ass things I do or say. And I feel much more open and relaxed with them. After all, isn't that what friends are for?

So, yes, I'm excited, and I know that as long as I work on myself, Mr. Right will come along and sweep me off my feet. For now, life is great. Even with the crazy stomach flip flops!!

Let the games begin!!

Well, since this is my first blog in which I feel I can be completely honest, I suppose I'd better write something secret and conspiratory! Don't really have anything in particular to say right now, just wanted to have a place when I can write a personal journal of sorts, and write whatever I want. No being hindered by fear of what others might think or say (which is very important right now, with the divorce and all), and where I can vent without getting people angry at me. Very gratifying. And so the adventures, or rather MISadventures begin!